omg mn twins

Its Aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!

2011-11-16T19:19:00.002-06:00

Hello world, I know its been a while since I've been on this here Twins blog but Karlee didn't have a computer. But now she does. So here's a list of things I should've talked about while I was away.

- First and foremost, Nick Punto won the World Series. Yes, him and only him.

- I still find Kevin Slowey awkwardly attractive. So...so...so awkwardly attractive.

- I found out I really like Brett Gardner, feel for me.

- Jamey Carroll looks weird, but I'm kind of okay with signing him. Even though he tossed that ring into the lava at Mordor...or whatever.

- AJ Pierzynski is a very awesome person. I want to rally drink with him so hard.

- CJ Wilson is the complete opposite of a hipster, fact. Do hipsters like racing? Fuck no. Are hipsters straight edge? HELL NO, we like drinking box wine, and bitching about how we liked Ryan Gosling when he was in Young Hercules WAY BEFORE ANYONE ELSE. What can I say bowl cuts turn me on.

- Brian Wilson tries too hard, but he makes trying too hard look very very good.

- Terry Ryan is back, remember him? He wasn't all that great but hey I'll choose him over Bill Smith. He got rid of Nick Punto, he'll forever be on my shit list. I yelled out "WHY!" to Bill Smith when I saw him in person and oh boy golly he sure knew what the fuck I meant by that.

- The Twins aren't good at baseball. But Glen Perkins is, he's fucking fabulous at it.

- The Miami Marlins new logo makes me feel confused. Should I like all the pretty colors? Should I hate the fact it looks like something I would've made in MS Paint in 8th grade? Should I too take my talents to South Beach? Should I punch Logan Morrison in the cash and prizes? Do I automatically love this team based on the fact Ozzie Guillen is the skippah?

- Oh, yeah....did I mention Nick Punto has a World Series Ring? Soak that in for a moment.

- Cuddyer should stick to his day job.

- Ben Revere should do stand-up and open up for Kevin Heart. So much shortness. So much cuteness. So much sass.

- I want to go all Black Ops on an XXXXXXXXL Chalupa. Fact.

- WRITTTEENNN IN THE STAAAAAARS, A MILLION MILES AWAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

- I miss baseball.

Hipster Kevin Slowey

2011-05-26T21:27:00.014-05:00

Lately I've been looking at Memes, if you have no clue what those are google it and embrace the funny. After all of this mumbo jumbo about Kevin Slowey and the drama thats taken place and how terrible they're (front office, not Kevin) handling all of this, I decided to make memes of him.

NOTE: I adore this kid to pieces. These Memes are all in good fun. I hope you'll appreciate the sass. I wish one day something will make a meme of me. I'd be honored.

I now give you, Hipster Slowey.
(Big thanks to twikipedium for the pic!)

The Twins Have Died From Dysentery

2011-04-21T17:24:00.004-05:00

My buddy Ben from That's Twins Baseball has a hashtag on Twitter thats a hoot, and that hashtag is: #TargetFieldTrail. It pretty much seems like our axels on our metaphorical wagon are falling off, and with everyone getting sick it's like "Martha got bit by a snake" or "Bill has Dysentery" in the Twins clubhouse as of late. Be sure to check out that hashtag for hilariousness, in other news...I decided to use my best skills in MS Paint. Enjoy.

Make sure to follow Ben @Bennyc50 and me @KarleeKanz for more Twins hilariousness.

Why Didn't Chewbacca Get a Medal?

2011-04-05T23:30:00.003-05:00

That thought popped up into my head after seeing the Twins beat the Yankees at Yankee Stadium tonight, five to four.

Why do you ask? Because we finally beat the Evil Empire. We are Chewbacca in this situation. They didn't get a medal because they had to do what needed to be done. Just like Chewy did, he doesn't need a medal to show people what he's done. He just did what he thought he should have done. Am I confusing you yet?

Or maybe Chewbacca didn't get a medal because the rebel alliance is run by a bunch of rabid anti-Wookite bigots. I could possibly be referring to umpires but it would make no sense, right?

Medal= Joe Mauer's fair ball during the play-offs.
Rebel Alliance= Umpires
Chewbacca= Minnesota Twins
Karlee= Opening up old wounds

You're welcome.

May the Power of Bill Smith Compel You

2011-01-17T14:06:00.002-06:00

I just had a visual of Ron Gardenhire dressed up like a priest, holding down Carl Pavano screaming "May the power of Bill Smith compel you!" over and over until the "wanting to go to other teams" demons leave his body. Being exercised makes him realize his best choice is to sign with the Twins. Its already worked once with Jim Thome, but it'll be harder to shake out the demons inside of Pavano since he's played for the Yankees. As we all know they are indeed Satan's little helpers. This is why they win all the time. This doesn't mean being evil has its perks (it does) and you should never sell your soul to the devil, only if you REALLY need something (but really, never do that).

As each day passes we get closer to Spring Training. Are you excited? I'm pretty stoked if I do say so myself. We had some good signings, some awkward trades and there are also some things to be done(like not trading Slowey so I won't flip my metaphorical shit) But the main thing is that we got good ol' Jimmy Jam back so he can mash his taters for the Minnesota Twins. I'd go and tell you the utter heartbreak that is Nick Punto being a free agent but we won't go there until its 100% sure that he isn't a Twin. I'm brain washing myself into thinking we'll sign him again.

I'll be blogging more from now on since its getting that much closer. For now, Karlee out!

OMG, Finally!

2010-11-17T13:31:00.003-06:00

If you haven't heard by now, Minnesota Twins Manager Ron Gardenhire won Manager of The Year............FINALLY.

Gardenhire has been runner up in 2003, 2004, 2006, 2008 and 2009. He is also the first manager to win six division titles in his first nine years with his team. Go Go Gadget Gardy! Now, if only he can get a bullpen that doesn't crumble or starters that can give up less than 5 hits a game(or go longer than 5 innings), or count on the power hitters hitting home runs in a stadium that is hard to hit home runs (so they say, tell that to Jim Thome or every other team that played us and got second deck home runs)

Either way, the way he managed the team last year was damn near immaculate. Among all of the injuries and shenanigans I think he stood his ground and had great composure, unlike some other coach on a certain other Minnesota team. He just didn't win the MOY because of his wins (which is a good part of it though, naturally), he won because of the respect he gets and has for his team. It isn't all about winning, its also about heart and soul in which he has a gaggle ton of.

Now that Gardy has drug me out of the peripheral writing closet I'd like to shine some light on the whole Nick Punto thing that went down.

I'm sad. Real sad. Real super duper uber sad. I know for a fact that he won't sign with us seeing that the Yankees, Red Sox, and Phillies had interest in him last year. I assumed they might not pick up his option then offer him something cheaper, but who knows.
Side Note: Might I ask you to take a look at those three team names I listed. Yeah, they're good teams aren't they? Why would they want a player who 'sucks', right? I'll let you think about that one.

Once I know Nick Punto will officially be off of the team, I'll write a novel about all the memories. I know all of the fan(...s?) of him are looking forward to it. Also, I will follow him to any team and like that said team because he'd be on that said team. Yes. You read that correctly. ANY team. (Eventheyankeesimsosorry)

Don't Call Them Twinkies

2010-09-23T13:21:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen may I present you with possibly the best baseball song,ever. Made by a Minnesotan at least.
Its by The Baseball Project and Craig Finn (of The Hold Steady)
Enjoy, may it ravish your ear drums.

Cat Names

2010-09-18T02:00:00.003-05:00

If you love the MN Twins and cats, this is the post for you.
I got bored. (insomnia= creativity time) so I thought of names for cats that sound like the players names.

Joe Meower.
Justin Meowneau.
Jason Mewbel.
Kevin Hissey (cause he is all the sassy)
J.J. Rawrdy.
Drew Mewtera.
Glen Prrrrrkins
Danny Meowlencia.
Jason Meowko.
Jeff Meowship.
Nick Mewto.
Ron Gardenmeower.
Cat Meowshek.
Taters. (Jim Thome)
Scratchy Baker. (mad cat)
Meowchael Cuddyer.
Ben Mreowvere.

.......okay I really need to go to bed.

Mister Incredible

2010-09-09T16:34:00.002-05:00

Here is another one of my 2 minute craptastic paint creations.

After watching The Incredibles on DVD for the 4th time today (thanks to a 3 year old) I realized Jim Thome looks just like the dad. Or maybe I'm losing it? But either way, we all can agree on one thing. Jim Thome is Incredible.

Jim Thome Facts

2010-09-08T13:34:00.003-05:00

You've guys been waiting, and here is a hot fresh batch of Jim Thome Facts for your consumption. I edited some Chuck Norris facts into Jim Thome facts. The other half are made by yours truly. Enjoy!

JIM THOME FACTS.

- Jim Thome doesn't do push up's. He pushes the world down.

- Jim Thome's first word was 'taters'

- Before Chuck Norris goes to sleep, he checks in his closet and under his bed for Jim Thome.

- Jim Thome's hotness is the cause of global warming.

- Al Gore hates Jim Thome.

- Jim Thome can play Wii bowling without moving. He just stares down the pins until they all fall down.

- When Jim Thome plays Oregon Trail his family doesn't die from dysentry, but rather 380 foot moon shots to the face.

- If Jim Thome was in the movie 300 they would of had to change the name to 1.

- Jim Thome is the square root of a negative number.

- The force is strong in Luke Skywalker. But Jim Thome is strong with the force.

- In the show 'LOST' Jim Thome IS the island.

- When quoting Jim Thome you must type in all caps.

- When Jim Thome walks in the woods, you'd think the wind is making the trees move. Nay, it is the trees trembling at the thought they could possibly be his next bat.

- Jim Thome ate Gilbert Grape

- Jim Thome's singing voice is a mixture between Fergie and Jesus.

- The only reason the devil went down to Georgia is because Jim Thome would never go to Georgia, so therefore it is the only safe zone for him to go.

- When Jim Thome is thirsty he quenches his thirst with a mixture of Ozzie Guillen's tears and pine tar.

- Jim Thome is the reason why the Dead Sea is dead.

- Jim Thome can solve a rubix cube just by staring at it.

- Jim Thome can touch MC Hammer

- Jim Thome never wet his bed. His bed wet itself in fear.

- There is no escape button on Jim Thome's keyboard because Jim Thome escapes from NOTHING.

- Pluto was dubbed not a planet after scientists realized it was only a baseball hit by Jim Thome.

- Jim Thome's home run balls are all collected in one place. The Kuiper belt.

- If you are wise, you would never attempt to 'poke' Jim Thome on facebook.

- Jim Thome is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right arms.

- Jim Thome knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is.

- Some baseball players chew gum, Jim Thome chews tungsten carbide.

- Jim Thome knows what Willis is talking about.

- Jim Thome can slam a revolving door.

- Death once had a near Jim Thome Experience.

- Jim Thome is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

- Jim Thome doesn't have a Twitter because he's already following you.

- Jim Thome doesn't have a facebook because he doesn't have friends. He just knows people who are worthy enough to not have a line drive home run hit in their general direction.

- When Jim Thome takes a bath he doesn't get clean the water gets dirty.

- Jim Thome has the power to order a McRib at McDonalds anytime of the year and get one.

- Who needs Jimmy Johns? Jim Thome is freaky faster and freaky gooder.

- Jim Thome doesn't run the bases slowly, your brain just can't process how fast he's actually going.

- If Jim Thome points his bat at you, that is more than likely the last thing you'll see.

- Jim Thome doesn't eat. He just mashes taters until hes had his fill.

- In 'Enter The Dragon' it was actually Jim Thome who killed Chuck Norris.

- The last digit in pi is Jim Thome. He ends all things. With his bat.

- Champions are the breakfast of Jim Thome.

- The only reason Jim Thome wears batting gloves is so his hotness doesn't set the bat on fire.

- Brett Favre can throw a football over 60 yards. Jim Thome can throw Brett Favre even further.

- When Jim Thome falls into water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Jim Thome'd.

- Jim Thome cuts down trees with his bat.

- Jim Thome once played first base, then realized in real life and baseball, he goes all the way. This is how he turned into a DH.

- When Jim Thome played little league he bunted a 500 foot home run.

- Jim Thome went from crawling to mashing taters. Walking is overrated.

- There is one thing faster than the speed of light, Jim Thome's swing.

- Jim Thome has played up to level 81 in World of Warcraft.

- Toyata Priuses never had a gas pedal problem. They were just all trying to speed away from Jim Thome.

- Jim Thome doesn't compete. He wins.

Previously On LOST

2010-09-03T23:04:00.002-05:00

WARNING: If you do not watch LOST you won't find this remotely hilarious. Well, maybe.

As you all noticed we added new pitcher to our Team.
No. Not Duensing.
No. Not Capps.
No. Not Flores.
No. Not Burnett.
No. Not Delaney.
No, not even Fuentes.

I am speaking of the one and only, Matt Fox.
If you didn't know who I was talking about by the title of my blog post you;

A: Don't watch TV
B: You live under a rock
C: You hate amazing TV
D: All of the above

Quick run down.
Matthew Fox plays Jack Shephard on LOST. LOST is a TV show that has had its final season this year. It is amazing. The ending pissed me off. But that is a whole other blog post, this is about baseball (kind of) and thats it.

Matt Fox has the same name as Matthew Fox (I really didn't need to point that out.)

So it made me think, Matt Fox is obviously Jack Shephard on LOST if I had to pick who he'd be. But the million dollar question is, who would the rest be?

Joe Mauer: Vincent. Very approachable, friendly, hairy, loves his owner (his mother) and trustworthy.

Joe Nathan: Charlie, when he was weening himself off of Heroine. Twitchy McGee.

Kevin Slowey: For some reason, Ben Linus. Book smart, sarcastic, would do anything to help, even if its killing (striking out) people (players). Also, I bet he can rock those Harry Potter adult glasses like a BOSS.

Scott Baker: Sun. Kind of timid and quiet, also listens very well but if need be she will break out and do something that surprises you. Or he'd be the hot mess that was on Jack's face when he proclaimed "We need to go back!!!" because have you seen that kids facial hair? I think its brilliant but you guys sing a different song.

Delmon Young: Walt. Because lately I've been known to yell out his name. All those silly plays in the outfield. "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalt!/Delmooooooooooon!"

Trevor Plouffe: Boone. Super attractive but isn't around long. Highly unfortunate.

Nick Punto and Ron Gardenhire: Rose and Bernard. Do I even have to tell you why? Google it you non LOST watchers, then laugh in joyous rapture.

Scotty Ullger: John Locke. You feel bad for him, he is always failing, but always tries to do better and do the right thing.........but fails.

Francisco Liriano: Ana Lucia. Because he is a bad-ass. And she is quite the bad-ass herself.

Denard Span: Mr.Eko. I'm sorry but his time on the island was almost as productive as you this year. He just pressed a button, and got killed by the smoke monster. Kind of sad.

Brendan Harris: He is Male #2 in episode 13 in season 6. Ya know, the one who gets killed by the smoke monster? Moving on.

TC: I'd simply say he was one of the Polar Bears but they get killed off right away and that is unfortunate (I know, Polar Bears on the island? Watch the show). So I'd say Hurley because he is big, snuggly, hairy and naturally the cheerleader/mascot of the island.

Drew Butera: Daniel Faraday. He is adorable and smart. Did I mention adorable? Oh, and he was a huge help in the end. It just fits. But lets hope he doesn't get killed by his mother when he goes back in time. He is the new age Marty McFly.

Danny Valencia: Its a tie, he is either the foot statue. For the longest time you didn't know a thing about him/the foot. You didn't know its potential. And then you find out there is hidden powers that dwell inside said foot. Or he's Richard Alpert. One word: EYELASHES.

Jason Repko: Sawyer. He seems like he could wrestle a hog, yet in the same day open a door for a girl and treat her to a nice dinner. Then go get into a bar fight. Babe alert.

John Rauch; The Smoke Monster. He scares me. Tikka tikka tikka! Yes, Rauch is a huge billowing and rolling mass of black smoke who kill people.

Jesse Crain: Desmond Hume. Only because I think Desmond would also wear the same necklaces that Crain wears. Also, whenever I see Crain strike someone out I could hear him whisper "See you in another life, brotha"

Note: I am sorry for the other players I did not mention. I either forgot you or simply couldn't think of who you would be. YOU, my readers should add on to this, tell me who you really think Sawyer should be or just tell me how brilliant I am.

This Is How I See It

2010-07-25T02:44:00.001-05:00

Remember this guy?

I sure don't. All I see now is pure awesome (even though my immature side thinks him beaming the umpire with a bat is ALL the funny and pure awesome, but I'm a bitch). Someone showed me this video again today and I actually forgot that he did that, now THAT is how good he has been lately.

Everyone says his awesomeness stems from his new swing and batting stance, and how he opens up on the ball easier. It HAS to be something more epic than that. Every game I watch he is getting RBI's, hitting home runs, and kicking ass and taking names. Yes he sometimes doesn't time the ball right in left field but this isn't about his offence right now. This is totally about his D. (Defense, you pervs)

I would go and say since he added me on facebook he has been on fire. But surely it isn't because of me (it could possibly be) because I'm not a gypsy (but a few people have told me I am one)

I do like his "Don't bring up how amazing I am being, I don't want to think about it, let me play and kick ass" mantra. It is helping him quite nicely if I do say so myself.

All in all I would just like to say, let Delmon be Delmon. He is exactly what I thought Denard Span would be this year, but isn't. Let him be amazing, don't ask what he is doing right because I bet he doesn't even know.

Now watch this:

Imagine Chevy Chase dressed as...god know what is the MN Twins and the very attractive Joel McHale is the attractive Twins fans. And we all know who Delmon Young is in this video. Now, let that blanket of warmth and safety smother you into thinking we actually have a chance into winning the division this year.

Players vs Prospects

2010-07-06T12:56:00.003-05:00

As we all know the Twins sure do like their farm system. Many good players have been brought up from that system, including Joe Mauer. And last time I checked he is kind of a big deal. That is Twins baseball. Wholesome primmed and picked players. They need to mix things up.

It might sound like I am complaining, but I thought the Twins were FINALLY stepping out of their 'comfort zone' and starting to try new things out, with the additions of Orlando Hudson, J.J Hardy and Jim Thome. But now they are in a situation where they truly need help, and no prospect from the farm system will be able to fill that void. Unless we trade some prospects for a player.

You wanna know who the MN Twins are? They are that greedy kid who played Pokemon and didn't want to trade any cards with you, even though you are giving them a real good deal. I mean who in their right mind wouldn't take the infamous banned "Birthday Pikachu" card? Cliff Lee is that Birthday Pikachu.

Rumors of trading Wilson Ramos and Aaron Hicks for Cliff Lee are running rampant. Most Twins fans are in cahoots since both are very good top tier prospects. Who in their right mind would trade a catcher who is technically not really going to be used that much (Joe Mauer Joe Mauer Joe Mauer OMG Baby Jesus, ugh) who has great potential and would be of use to some other team and a decent outfielder for a Cy Young winner? I mean that IS crazy talk right? (warning: SARCASM ALERT) Giving two talented kids so they can have a chance to play in the Major Leagues?

I think the Twins showed that they mean serious business getting Jim Thome. (he is player of the week with a .400 batting avg and 4 hrs) I always said we needed a dominating pitcher, something we don't really make in our farm system. Cliff Lee is our answer.

MN Twins, just don't trade one of our starting pitchers for a pitcher. I've been hearing rumors about that too and let me tell you, that would be no bueno.

Facts

2010-06-30T23:54:00.003-05:00

Here are a couple things I have noticed/thought about over the past week of seeing the Twins play.

- Bad pitching is contagious, kind of like a sneeze.

- Good pitching is contagious, kind of like something less scary than a sneeze. Because really, they are pretty much mini panic attacks. Tiny jihadi attacks to your self being.

- There ain't no party like a Nick Punto party because a Nick Punto party don't stop. After seeing him at the Major's at Major's thing, he can not only pick up his team on the field but really get people hammered. And put WAY too much eye black under my eyes.

- That Delmon Young character is a good baseball player, don't chya know?

- I am one leg on the 'get Cliff Lee omg!!!!1!!one' bandwagon. Everyone brings up trading Slowey or Blackburn, I personally think we don't need to trade a healthy starter for a two month rental. Not worth it. Get a couple triple-a and a couple double-a and lets call it a deal, am I right?

-Also, we have been in a rut as of late pitching wise. It's not like they are going to stay like that for the rest of the year. Yes, we need one extra 'oomph' to be a contender if we make the play offs. But lets not dwell on that right now.

-Minnesota Twins fans need to start enjoying baseball, and not stressing out over it. It's a past-time. Relax, watch these guys do what they love doing and cheer for them. And drink a ton of beer, eat hot dogs, and laugh when a girl says "Why are they boo'ing Kubel?"

- I am louder than Orlando Hudson with one beer in me.

- I started muting the TV for every other game and putting it on closed captioning because I need a break from Dick and Bert's old man shenanigans, ya know stating the obvious, talking about how pitchers should go 9 innings and 'that's an out in Oakland'.

-I started playing The Weepies, The Blow, The Black Keys, and The National whilst watching baseball. I consider that a way-too-much-awesome-combination. But I can handle it. Add in some gummi bears and a huge bottle of smart water and I'm golden.
( side note: I like bands that start with "The" I guess)

- Carl Pavano's mustache haunts me. Remember the Mario Brothers movie with Dennis Hopper in it? My dream was just that, but Pavano was a Mario Bro. Yes, Dennis Hopper was in it still. Why would I replace his bad-ass-ness?

-I need to make business cards, because writing on the back of a UFC flyer is not classy. And I am a classy girl.

- Seriously, STOP proposing at games guys. I mean yes, it's cute but not when it happens every day. Get a bit more creative.

- Height wise, I come up to Rauch's part I shouldn't come up to. This makes for a very awkward picture taking experience.

-Oh look, I have a personal blog: Musings From An Amuser
I don't think I've spoken once about baseball in it, yet. YES, I do have other things to talk about, shocker. I will be talking about my transfer from the city to the country, college, music I'll be making, music I enjoy, and other randomness in my awkward life.

UGH.

2010-06-14T17:05:00.002-05:00

Okay I've had it. I truly dislike our inept infield. J.J. Hardy and Orlando Hudson decided to go and ruin their wrists. I suggest they stop playing Wii right this instant. But I peg Hardy to be more of a Big Buck Hunter kind of guy. And Orlando Hudson? Don't even get me started, he is probably too busy watching Lifetime movies anyways.

We have the lowest average of Avg's in the infield in all of MLB (last time I checked, at least. Yes even lower than the Pirates. Win.) You know it's a problem when Nick Punto has the best AVG out of all of them. Oh, also? The Drew Butera experiment should be concluded very soon me thinks.

I have been trying my hardest to actually stay positive but it's starting to become hard, with all the injuries and bullpen rockiness. But I am in utter shock that we are in first place. I don't know how we do it. And the thought of Span finally coming around, and if Cuddyer learned how to hit the ball and get runs in with people on base, and if Mauer started hitting line drives not directly at someone, our team would be unstoppable.

Positives? Kubel is finally coming around. And Delmon Young decided to become a beastly clutch monster of epic proportions.

Okay, I guess I still have faith. Today is a much needed day off, not just for them but for us Twins fans. Usually we are amazing versus the National League. Let's keep that trend going.

Target Field Squirrel, Friend Or Foe?

2010-05-26T03:36:00.010-05:00

I was at the opening game of the Twins VS Yankees series. And like the other people in the stadium I was in cahoots over that cute adorable little squirrel. You all have taken a liking to him, kind of like Kirby the Kestrel. If you haven't seen the video of him traipsing around, have a looksie:

Awwwww, isn't he cute? But I watched him slyly sneak against the outfield wall and then all a sudden he disappeared, I assumed he went into the bullpen when one of the Yankees pitchers opened the door.

Then.
GASP.
I'VE SEEN HIM BEFORE. That furry bastard!

It all makes sense now. They call him "Joe Dimaggio the squirrel" and they brought him to Target Field.

Visual Approximation. (I never understood Marilyn Monroe's taste)

They sent him out there for one reason, and one reason only. To take out our hot corner.

Thankfully Brendan decided to show his quick reaction speed and avoided getting rabies and dying. They also realized taking him out would actually be doing us a favor.

Next time, Joey D The Bushy Tailed Bronx Nommer.

side note: I am aware you are near tears at the beauty of my photoshop skills. So am I, I amaze myself. And I feel bad for ripping Joe Dimaggio's head and putting it on a squirrel. Just a tiny bit though.

OH HAI, I have internet again.

2010-05-18T01:18:00.004-05:00

Wowwwwwwwwwwwww, not blogging for like, a month pretty much put a damper on my life. I missed aimlessly typing away complete BS for you guys to read, truly. Did you miss me? I surely hope you did. So here is a "The Season So Far ROUND UP"

- So, there is a falcon who sits on the right field foul pole. Everyone decided to name him Kirby. Come on people get creative, please. Before finding out it was an actual falcon I thought LaTroy HAWKins was pretty funny. Or Stephen HAWKing. But finding out that damn Kestrel was a freakin' hawk it crushed my witty bubble. I am going to be calling is Kessy the Kestrel. Or Karlee the Kestrel, I bet you money it's a girl. And Karlee is a wonderful, beautiful, elegant name.

- Nick Punto decided to pick up a bat and swing it, and hit baseballs. And no, not where you think he hit them. Not flying out to left or a ground ball to second base. Oh no, he hits them and gets on base. Gets runs. And Rbi's. His batting avg is currently .261 and hitting .333 / .783 at home. (avg and ops)

- Justin Morneau is a beast.

- We won a game at Yankee Stadium, that is a big deal. Massive. I really hope they means the 'curse' is over.

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2rgCezfB-k watch that. It is all the hilarious.

- I still don't like Jose Mijares. And I would like to know why he got sent back up. Seriously, can someone tell me a valid reason why he is back up?

Okay kids, I will post more often. I missed you <3

ps: If you want to listen to some hot jamz, let me suggest you a song or six

I Feel Better by Hot Chip

Brothers by The Black Keys

Home by Edward Sharpe And The Magnetic Zeroes

Bulletproof by La Roux

Horchata by Vampire Weekend

So Far Around the Bend by The National

LOLTwin, week one.

2010-04-14T19:26:00.002-05:00

I have decided I will be making LOLTwins once a week. Or try to at least for your viewing pleasure.

Here is this weeks:

Kar out.

Home Opener, Broken Belts, And a Blushing 20-something.

2010-04-14T11:15:00.003-05:00

Hi everyone! I am alive, I haven't updated since the Twins have been in town. And no I wasn't out stalking them. (Shocked? Me too, actually) I was working the streets. Wait, let me explain. I worked on a corner. Oh...let's just start over. I am a Target Brand Ambassador. I am one of those crazy kids passing out free stuff, like hats, sunglasses, spray-on sun screen, snacks, ponchos and sometimes hugs.

I sadly couldn't make it to the game but I was lurking about the whole time, going to bars and such and frolicking about the plaza. But like it was meant to be, I saw Punto slide into second breaking his belt then rip the belt off of his body on a big screen TV. It takes a lot to make me speechless but by golly that made me shut up and turn many different shades of red.
From what I saw we looked strong, and the Red Sox looked like a bunch of those birds that stick their head in the sand? Their name is escaping me at the moment, but you all are more than likely smarter than I so you know what bird I am talking about.

Hi, I'm Karlee. I like baseball, and I am disgustingly excited for this year. I think we have what it takes and then some. Rauch is a monster, who is a dominating force to be reckoned with. Our #8 hitter is blasting bombs out of the stadium and Nick Punto is producing rbi's. And we have a "Tori Hunter, the media side" kinda guy on our team to give us our 'bad-boy-think-before-I-speak' edge.
Who is that you ask? Silly Orlando Hudson and his accusations that the likes of Jermaine Dye and Gary Sheffield aren't currently playing for any MLB team because they are black. Well guess what Orlando? I can't play baseball because I'm a female. How do you think I feel? (sarcasm alert) Ever consider they are old and there are a bunch of new young up and coming stars? How do you think Dougie Baseball and Joe Crede feel? (non-sarcasm alert, well...maybe a bit for Dougie)

I can go on a tangent about how MLB is sexist and won't let short, white, chubby, and clumsy white girls play baseball. But I won't because it doesn't matter. And I'm a realist, I am not crazy. And I don't want to sound loony, kind of like O-Hud does. But I love the crazy, I embrace it.

*This is my 200th post so I will now post my favorite Nick Punto picture I took.

Oh yes.

Live From The Capital of Snuggie Cults!

2010-04-07T20:38:00.007-05:00

Hi all this will be my first live blog of this year. Oh, aren't you thrilled?

Pre Game: Last night as we all know, we won. And also something else happened. The fans of the Angels showed us that the legalization of medical marijuana is still in full effect. Everyone in that stadium has cataracts.

Uh, this new Meteorologist on FSN makes me want to club seals. No not really, that is mean. I guess I should of said something along the lines of "makes me want to club him" ahhh thats better. Peta, hold down your pokey sticks.

Top of the first:

- ground ball outs make me sad. at least fly balls take longer. Sigh.
- Wow, ground ball outs 1-2-3. Let's hope the whole game isn't like this. Innings like that make my creativity go away.

Bottom of the first:

- Bert, you silly man. California math, just say you can't count.
- Yep. You guessed it. 1-2-3 ground outs.

Top of the second
-Gotta love it when you reach to first on a strike out. I bet Nick Punto wishes for those every day.
- Oh, Thome. Last time I checked you are supposed to hit home runs. Okay, I'll settle down. Next time.
- DELMON. Your lean cusine is ready DELMON.
- Oh, well I guess you weren't hungry enough to come 'home' and eat.

--sorry to cut this short but I need to start getting ready to go to bed :( getting my wisdom teeth taken out. Boo. GO TWINS!

So far so good

2010-04-06T13:39:00.002-05:00

....well for the most part.

Last nights game left me with a good feeling, but there was already some sort of worry. We all know I am a worry wart though.

Positive:

The Bullpen was fantastic, sans Mijares. But he was too busy having blurry vision and being scared that Young might punch him. I was very shocked with Jesse Crain, though. For some reason I have it embedded in my brain that he will do something that will more than likely piss me off. Not saying that he will be perfect the whole season but if last night was any inclination of how he is going to be, well that makes me one happy baseball fan.

The Delmon Young project is finally working. He is fast, his lack of leg kick has surely helped his batting swing and it seems like he finally has that aura of "I'm comfortable" that it seemed like he hasn't had since coming to the Twins

Negative:

Joe Mauer kind of....yeah. Let's just say he made it clear that he isn't perfect. But I shall let this one pass, this time. Also Denard Span wasn't the best last night but hey, some of the other guys some-what picked up the slack.

Excuse me where did the clutch two out hits go? Usually we are pretty good when we have men on base in scoring position. I think that is the most irritating thing in baseball for me. It's the whole fact that you can score and you are so close and you have chances and you blow them.
I am more okay with the pitcher K'ing the guys left and right. For me that just shows that the pitcher is good enough to shut down the opposing team. Now when you actually get on base and can't make things work, now that is when Karlee gets a little bit mad.

Ahhhhh, baseball how I missed thee. 161 (or maybe 162) games to go! Go Twins!

Opening Day!

2010-04-04T19:40:00.008-05:00

Yay, baseball is finally upon us! Celebration is in order. So, I will be writing my random thoughts whilst watching the Yanks and BoSox game tonight. I'll try my hardest (lies) to play nice.

- Jorge Posada looks like a malnourished Gus from Cinderella.

- An open letter to Josh Beckett: Oh hai there just letting you know this isn't spring training. Stop pitching like it is. <3, Karlee.

- Youkillis, you straight up freak me out. From the demonic facial hair to your super awkward batting stance.

- Theo Epstein, you are a sexy man. I naturally like you because I shouldn't because I am a Twins fan. (FACT) I like men I shouldn't. Like Nick Punto.

- Ever wonder where Luis Rodríguez went? CC Sabathia ate him. When nature came-a callin', his 'remains' ended up in Cleveland.

- Lance Bass is Derek Jeters doppelganger, and no that doesn't mean I find him attractive.
(Lance was totally my favorite, he was the shy one <3)

- Seeing CC's (his bra size too, which is weird and kismet-y) leg move up that high makes me not believe in the theory of gravity. I know 'what goes up, must come down' that that thing shouldn't be able to 'go up' in the first place.

- If Paul Revere didn't say "The British Are Coming!" and Papelbon said it instead the quote would of been "Ay...ay yo. All you mother *explicit* those damn brits are coming. They are suuuper pissed about that tea...even two years later! I MEAN COME ON. GET OVER IT."

- I wish I could make fun of the New Era commercial with Evan Longoria in it. But I can't. I simply can't. I love that man.

- Oh, this is weird I haven't brought up how much I loathe Nick Swisher. Hmmm. Interesting.

- News Flash: The Umps are on the Yankees side, yet again. Am I shocked? Hecks to the naw.

- Dude, Dr.Dre and LeBron James? Shut the front door. Compton is going to be very pissed off, Dr.Dre. Eazy-e more than likely thinks its unacceptable that you are a Red Sox fan and will pop a cap in your ass.

- During the off-season I use CC's pants as my yacht cover.

- Nick Swisher, your sideburns are ugly. Stop it. Just stop it.

- Scott Schoeneweis I like your name. Schoeneneneneneneneneweis.

- Double steal? You sneaky bastards, you Yankees. Okay ya know when I always say all they have is power? I lied. I totally lied. Remember that time when Nick Punto over ra---oh...wait I forgot I swore I would never bring that up (ScottyUlllgerrrwhyyyyy!)

- Cheeseburger Cheeseburger beat out Pedroiahhhh tha bahhhstan destroyahh to the bag. Pedroia is full of anger salad. Cheeseburger Cheeseburger is full of ham that Mark Teixeira just fed him for a job well done.

-Joe Girardi should of gone the "Miley Cyrus" way and got himself some invisaligns. You straight up look like a creeper.

-Joe Morgan thinks it's faster to slide into first than running through it. Nick Punto, Joe Morgan...Joe Morgan, Nick Punto. Now that the introductions are out of the way, this is when you two become best of friends forever.

rain rain go away!

2010-04-01T15:27:00.004-05:00

So tomorrow will be the first game the MN Twins will play in their band-spankin-new baseball stadium. And in Minnesota fashion we will welcome them with inclement weather. I know, it sucks that it's going to rain but just think back about a month ago when we thought they'd be playing in 40 degree weather. Scared that it might snow. I'd take a nice thunderstorm in the 60s-70s any day. Well...except for tomorrow. I'd totally like it if it wouldn't rain.

Here is my only reason I am pro rain. Waterlogged baseball players.
Yes. Oh yes.

But here is the one huge issue, when on home soil Nick Punto cannot get wet nor be fed Swedish Fish past the fourth inning. And with the weather maps I have been looking at, the rain will come down hard possibly around then. And you know what Nicky Punto does when he is bored? He snacks on gummied goods. And what does he turn into exactly if he gets rained on or snacks after the 4th inning? Nobody knows, but I have a good idea of what he'd look like:

The great long eared Jerboa. It's fast, it burrows (head first, naturally) and jumps crazy heights for being so tiny. Sounds familiar? Exactly.

Target Field is not picture perfect.

2010-03-22T23:01:00.004-05:00

I recently went down to Target Field to take a looksie, I wanted to take in every single aspect of the park, even reading the funny signs on the "trash only" trash cans. On my adventure I found something pretty interesting.

The beautiful limestone, all the windows shiny clean. The plaza looks like a picture, no trash or cigarette butts anywhere. The pennants on the fence, and that massive bronze glove still shining in the spring sunshine. Everything is situated perfectly, just awaiting on thousands of fans to come and enjoy every minute of it.

I go towards the new Twins shop and venture inside checking it out then I walk out, then I see the Stadium rules posted.

uh oh.
Super bad typo. Unless there is a thing called "affectio" I think I'll call the stadium tomorrow and point that out. How embarrassing would that be? You're welcome, MN Twins for being an obsessive OCD type of person checking out EVERYTHING.

A weight has lifted off of me

2010-03-21T16:46:00.002-05:00

FINALLY.

Joe Mauer has signed an 8 year 184 million dollar contract extension. I shall celebrate and eat cookies and milk, since that is more than likely the way he will be celebrating too. Then getting his hair cut by his dad. But I will totally not let my father go near my hair.

HUZZAH, MN TWINS FANS. WE GOT EM!

Baseball is this years "Boy Band"

2010-03-16T14:28:00.005-05:00

Every so often people try to market things to see if people will get interested. Just tossing a line out there waiting for a bite.

This is what Victoria's Secret is doing. Starting today over 100 stores in the states in which the teams they picked (Angels, Cardinals, Cubs, Dodgers, Mets, Padres, Phillies, Red Sox, Twins, White Sox and Yankees.) will start selling their line of merchandise of shirts, pants, accessories and such to the masses. I see what they are doing here.

They are gearing it towards teenagers and young adults which is totally fine but to me they are selling out the whole aspect of baseball and what it actually means. Most men think women like baseball strictly for the baseball-ass and the cute players. That is truly just a plus but not near the main reasons we like baseball. We like baseball the same reason you males like baseball, and to tell you the truth I have won many baseball arguments, and it feels amazing showing a guy who's boss.

And to tell you the truth when it comes to making baseball merchandise for women the MLB marketing team has hit a brick wall. They don't know what to do, they tried the whole "lets make pink jerseys because ALL GIRLS like pink, right?" and well, a select few girls around the age of 15 bought those jerseys.

The idea is a good one, using a store where only women shop, with sayings on the shirts that say "love love love Twins" and "I only kiss Yankees fans" and may I point out that A: putting something like that on the shirt doesn't scream out "I'm a -insert team name here- fan" it screams out "I like heightening my chances of getting herpes or mono" and B: who'd kiss a Yankee fan? Am I being a little bit brash? Why yes I am but you come to this blog to see me lash out on innocent people. It's what I do.

Alyssa Milano is an example of something that was cute for a second but then came obnoxious. No I do not want Padre's jeans with their logo on my ass, thank you very much. I want a cute hoodie that isn't too bulky with a bit of a stretch to it to form to my womanly figure. I also like vintage looking shirts. They sure did a very good job making this one:

It's cute, nice colors, and has that vintage feel to it.

I am Karlee, I am a woman. I love baseball and I don't need to tell men I like kissing Twins fans, I think that is just a give in anyways. I don't need to parade around with a billboard on my body saying so. I'll be fine with my vintage t-shirts and my loud mouth, thank you very much.

/ Women's lib.

Nick Punto: It was an F-up.

2010-03-11T19:47:00.002-06:00

I sit here listening to the twins game on the radio, Gordon and Dazzle blabbering about things only Dazzle and Gordon would talk about, sounding awkward reading out stats, half of the time Gordon failing at saying them correctly. And Dazzle trying to sound smart. All a sudden out of nowhere Nick Punto hits the ball, FAR and STOPS, I repeat, STOPS at third base to get a triple.

This is where I flat out and predict something super ballsy. Nick Punto will get 2 home runs this year. Yes, I know.... you are thinking "Karlee whoa whoa whoa, hold on wait a tick..." but hear me out. He didn't over run third base, this shows me that he has more patience. He hit it off of the wall which also shows me that he's been eating his Wheaties.
Whenever I looked at him last year I saw him as the little engine that could. Now I see him as Bill Pullman in Independence Day, constantly being super awesome and doing Herb Brooks** type speeches before blasting aliens (balls) into the orbit. And he look totally attractive doing it too. Just like Bill Pullman does, mmmm.

So my rant comes down to this, him running past third was truly a mistake, for a minute there I bet you all thought he was secretly out to sabotage the team and rip everybody's heart strings out and eat them like a plate a spaghetti with a nice wine glass full of your tears, followed by spongecake soaked in your sorrow.

So I say, Go Go Gadget Punto!

**: There is this cute thing on youtube of a mini Herb Brooks. I wanted to point out that it is physically impossible for there to be a mini Nick Punto. I'm serious. Don't even attempt to imagine it. Cannot happen.

That is it, I am putting out a missing persons ad.

2010-03-11T14:10:00.002-06:00

CHARTREUSE ALERT(since amber is kind of a boring color):

I have come to believe that we have lost half of Delmon Young. I don't know where he went. And I don't know how to feel about this cyborg body he left behind, all I know is that it must be an impostor. Last time he was seen his booty was very ghetto in left field. Somebody find him, and tell him that dinner is ready, DELMON!

-insert witty photoshop picture of Delmon on a side of a milk carton-

Say it ain't so Joe!

2010-03-09T20:45:00.002-06:00

As we all know Joe Nathan has suffered a torn ligament in his throwing arm. My first response wasn't "Oh we are screwed" I genuinely felt bad for the guy. He won't be able to play in the new stadium, he has been an amazing pitcher and this shows how precious an opportunity to play a sport is. It can last a matter of years and then abruptly just stop.

I have the bad feeling this might be a career ending injury. Most of the time when a pitcher tears a UCL there is a very small chance they will be back to how they used to preform. We could only hope he is as lucky as Liriano or Rivera.

Now on to the people that would possibly replace him.

We have Pat Neshek, we all know he is good but he himself is still getting back to 100%
I think our best bet is either Jon Rauch or yes, I am about to say this, Jesse Crain.

Now lets think about what their walk on songs would be.

Pat Neshek would more than likely have something like Chiodos, Old Avenged Sevenfold, All That Remains, In Flames, Lamb Of God, Norma Jean...I can go on. All I know is that it would be BAD-ASS.

Jon Rauch? I have a feeling it would be about the same, but possibly more scary and bad-ass.

Jesse Crain would probably play Nickelback. And that just straight up angers me. Do not want.

All I know is that I will still stand up and shout, and I shall miss your deep exhales and twitching. Let's hope the surgery does wonders.

Things I will miss about the Dome

2010-02-24T16:54:00.003-06:00

Here is a tiny little list of the things I will actually miss at the dome.

10. I'll miss when you walk out of those doors they try so hard to keep closed after games. When you do it RIGHT after the game you will seriously face plant from all the built up air pressure. It's fabulous and worth the amount of the ticket you paid for. If we lost and I went through that door, it put a smile on my face right away. It's the little things in life. Especially when people wear hats and don't remember the intense wind blowing they are about to encounter. Visually awesome.

9. I'll miss the loading dock, easy access. One time I went down to get an application and ran into Justin Morneau and Joe Nathan. Acting innocent, dense and unawares (side note: I am very good at those three things) and not wearing a twins shirt at a game can get you places, people.

8. I'll miss that big white bubbly marshmallow roof of doom. I remember when I went to game 163 it was literally raining inside. And lucky me I was near one of the raining patches in the roof. Good idea Twins for deciding to move. That roof isn't going to last much longer.

7. I'll miss how easy it was to sneak down to better seats.

6. I'll miss college night. So many beach balls.....so many.

5. I will miss the third base line seats, I really did enjoy sitting sideways in an obnoxiously small seat, it's almost as calming as listening to the ocean.

4. I will miss the Hormel Dog's "Row of Fame" song. Today they announced they will no longer be serving their hot dogs. My heart? Yeah it's totally broken.

3. Going along with the last one, I'll miss dollar dome dog Wednesdays. I don't think I missed one Wednesday last year. I love me some dollar dogs what can I say. Don't judge me. It was more like 50% Relish 50% bread and hot dog. Okay now you can judge me.

2. I'll miss that huge milk jug where they decided to put the live broadcasting for FSN by the right field. That's where Justin Morneau used to sleep. (in my imaginary world)

1. .........remember Tommy Watkins? Hahahaha, Sorry.
Anyways the one thing I will really truly miss is the magic that went on in there, and that I have been going there my whole life. When the Twins came back to town after clinching the AL pennant in 87 I was almost 2 years old but all I remember is walking up a ton of stairs with my parents and grandmother, and thinking WOW this is loud. I wouldn't be lying if I said I think that is my first real memory of my life.
I think that is why Baseball hits home so much with me, I will really truly miss that crappy stadium. But we have a brand new stadium where new memories will be made. Maybe when I have a kid, she or he can experience the magic that I did. Only one can hope because it made me a life-time fan and lover of this sport.

Vancouver 2010 Olympics.

2010-02-20T22:43:00.002-06:00

I dove myself into the deep vast world of winter sports the past 9 days and I sat down and thought to myself "I wonder what sport Joe Mauer would do in the Winter Olympics" and then my brain decided I should write about my thoughts. We all know that is kinda frightening when things like that happen. But you have been warned.

Nick Punto:
We all know LNP, he loves to go fast and head first. His most natural choice for winter sport would be the skeleton. I wouldn't mind seeing him on his stomach in a skin tight uniform. Really, I wouldn't mind at all.

Pat Neshek:
He's kind of a spazz, so I would go on and peg him as freestyle skiing aerials or ski jumping. I could see him flying in the air. Now shut your eyes and imagine it. See?

Justin Morneau:
This one is way too easy, and frankly it pisses me off. Obviously he'd be a Hockey Player cause he's Canadian and he'd be awesome as usual blah blah blah. With his stoic like presence at the plate I'd pick him to be in male figure skating. So full of grace, you are my little syrup sucker.

Joe Mauer:
I'm stumped. This is sad. Okay, here is this if Morneau didn't do figure skating or hockey him and said Joe Mauer would totally be two man louge. We all know why. Don't fight it, they sure as heck don't. Accept the man love and embrace it.

Jon Rauch:
I think we would have to make up a new winter olympic sport for this man. I'd call it "icicle tossing" it's where he runs out into the wilderness only equipt with a bottle of blackberry brandy, and icicles the size of baseball bats and you just let him go wild, and for example he brings back a deer, more protein and Deer jerkey for team USA!

Kevin Slowey: He's adorable, likable and always seems he'd be up for a hug. So he's our Lindsey Vonn. Because on the outside he looks gentle and innocent and cute but on the inside, and on the mound he is a BEAST.

Michael Cuddyer: ...............Curling. Thats all I got. I'm sorry. He uses his boom stick, now he can use his sweepy stick.

Nick Punto. Myth or Fact.

2010-02-12T13:47:00.005-06:00

Welcome to the first and only addition to NICK PUNTO: MYTH BUSTERS. I wish I was creative enough to make a graphic for this but you all have seen my crappy photoshop skills.

First Myth:

That Nick Punto can kill you with kindness.

FACT. Have you ever wondered where Jeff Cirillo went? Or why Matthew Lecroy just decided to stop dressing up with the team and looking like an over zealous father cheering for the team? It's because Nick Punto used his secret charming device. His kindness. It's stronger than any potion, or anything Harry Potter can do. Nick Punto does not use a wand, and he obviously doesn't use his bat. He uses his heart. He kind-ed them into the depths of the unknown. Or as we call it, retirement/coaching a A team. No, not the A Team with Mister T.

Nick Punto is greater than any baseball player ever.

FACT. Here is the break down of as to why he is the best baseball player of all time:
He doesn't listen to the third base coach, with no avail he keeps sliding head-first into first base even though everyone says it's bad for his health, he is for the most part Count Clutchula. When he isn't Count Clutchula he is over-running third base and making me want to choke him. But then they show his face looking like he just saw his childhood dog get ran over. I then go back to thinking ALL THE TIMES MICHAEL CUDDYER has gotten picked off of first base. When in doubt, blame Cuddyer. It always helps me and makes me sleep at night. He is my verbal and mental punching bag. Nick Punto can fly. And the biggest reason? He let me cop a feel of his ass while I was drunk back in the summer of 07. Thank you for that, you stood there like a champ and took it. I know for a fact any other baseball player would of cried. I am 5'3 and super scary. You are such a brave soul.

Nick Punto is 100% human.

MYTH. He is not. He is a mystical force that is made up of many things. He has the legs of a cheetah/female gymnast. The arm speed of the ever so elusive MichaelisCuddyeris. The eye to hand coordination of a Jedi Master (they are not human, they are fiction.) The heart of a lion and the ass of a Greek God.

Nick Punto sleeps.

MYTH. He does not sleep. He waits. He waits to steal bases, or a squeeze play, or anything that involves him to be all he can be. HUSTLE.
But I do wonder:
(sang to the tune of Stu's Song from the BLOCKBUSTER hit "The Hangover")
What to Punto's dream of, when they take a little Punto snooze.
Do they dream of bunting singles? Or sliding head first into a square white base.
Don't you worry your dirty scrappy head you're gonna steal second base and then pat you on back.
And then your gonna point to your best friend Gardy and then your gonna yell out "WHOS JJ HARDY?!"
Nicky Punto ohhh Nicky Nick Nicky Nicky Punto.
And if you decide to get pumped up and over run third-base. Well then we're shit outta luck.

Nick Punto makes voodoo dolls out of anyone who tries to take his position.

MYTH/FACT. The verdict is still out on this one. But I do concur. Have you ever noticed whenever they sit Little Nicky someone ends up getting hurt? When he isn't making Slushee's for Justin Morneau he is doing some crazy whack ass voodoo shit with Vladimir Guerrero.

HAPPY NICK PUNTO DAY!!!!!!

2010-02-11T23:59:00.005-06:00

Nick Punto.
Nicky P.
Nickles.
Good ol' LNP.

Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways, 50 reasons why I love you, and all the cute things you do:

50. Last name is Punto. I mean really. Automatic win.
49. You keep me excited and on the edge of my seat awaiting your first and only home run per year.
48. I love how you are more of a mascot of the team than TC. But don't tell him that.
47. I swear you go up to the mound just to call the pitcher "sport" or say something cute like "cheer up butter cup, here's some razzles!"
46. You, by far have the best walk on songs ever. Rooney's Shaking and MJ's Thriller. But anyone has better taste in music than Joe Mauer.
45. You are probably the only guy on the team other than Livan Hernandez that actually enjoyed the sleeveless jerseys. And I love you for that
44. You love for Swedish Fish. So do I.
43. Your puppy dog eyes, no wonder Gardy can't yell at you.
42. The whole "is he half man half mystical creature"-ness of you.
41. You took a fist in the face from Torii Hunter.
40. Loves the fact that Nick Nelson from Nick's Twins Blog (link located on the right) brought up to me that if you google image search Nick Punto, a picture of me pops up. You have made me in some way famous. So I love you.
39. Unicorns the size of gnats run through his body and work him like a trojan horse. Valid reason to love someone.
38. His blood is kool-aid and his insides are made of candy. Sure sounds tasty. And easy to love.
37. If you know me by now you will know my #1 reason why I love him. But I will start off and say that I love his thighs, those short thighs that looked SO CUTE in the powder blue throw backs. He looked like a 12 year old boy in his dads baseball uniform.
36. Still thinks he slept in a car bed as a small child. And I bet he had CB radios to speak to other car beds. And for that reason? More love.
35. His eyelashes are as pretty as lashes on an Emu/Ostrich. Or Richard Alpert from LOST. Yeah I went there.
34. Thinks it's adorable that you make slushee/slurpees for Justin Morneau. It's actually borderline way too cute. Puppies and Kittens snuggling in a bed of sleeping baby chicks kinda cute.
33. I like how he look like a 15 year old boy doing a presentation about the glorious and gentle Sperm Whale whenever getting interviewed.
32. The piranha commercial with Jason Bartlett. Love.
31. Your non-baseball attire. You are classy as shit, You don't dress like you are from Oregon or that your parents still dress you and think you are in 7th grade. Kind of how Joe Mauer dresses. And you don't wear affliction t shirts that I have seen, like Cuddyer and Kubel. So no need to feel the urge to curb stomp you to smithereens.
30. You are short, so am I. Let's be friends.
29. You have a messed up way of making people feel bad that they are mad that you aren't doing good. I feel like a father who has faith in said son and all he wants is him to do well, KNOWS you have it in you but you are in a rut. Get out of it! Make me proud son!
28. I'm sorry about the last reason, I freaked myself out there. Nicky wouldn't of been scared, he's never scared.
27. If Chuck Norris tried to round house kick Nick Punto in the face, Nick Punto would headfirst slide into his chest and make him automatically implode.
26. If Chuck Norris tried to punch Nick Punto with his third fist that is located under his beard, Nick Punto would tell Gardy, and Gardy would scare the shit out of Chuck Norris bringing him back to the time he was 5 when Santa Claus yelled at him for roundhouse kicking an elf, and run away.
25. I bet Nick Punto is manly enough to go to the vagina monologues and speak about how much of a vagina Nick Swisher is. Wait I shouldn't speak about my dreams. But I love him all the same.
24. For some reason whenever I see Alan from the Hangover, I think of you. Why? I'd love to know. Maybe because he is child-like, awkwardly innocent acting but just wants hookers and blow? I truly don't know. But I love you for it.
23. I want to state that Nick Punto does not want hookers and blow. He wants firm hugs and pixi stix, and love.
22. I would like to state that I would love you more if you would be a guest on Yo GabbaGabba.
21. The picture of you biting the bat, when you were with the phillies. Thank you.
20. Loves the pictures I see of you, you are either parallel to the ground, standing on your head, or look like a big ball of tiny fury. All of them equally as entertaining and lovingly adored by me.
19. Loves how you taunt the pitcher when you are on second, I mean really? Stop being cocky. Wait no don't it's cute.
18. He does not run on a flux capacitor, he runs on gummied treats. How can you NOT love that.
17. You like to smack ass almost as much as Brett Favre. And I love me some Brett Favre. So that's an automatic super love-a-thon.
16. You look up Scrappy in the dictionary and a picture of you shows up. Looking scrappy. I love how you play, I bet you have "final countdown" in your head whenever you are up to bat. Cause I always sing it out loud at the games.
15. Loves seeing you run so fast your helmet falls off of your head. I always make the Million Dollar Man sound whenever you run.
14. You never give up, even when you should. I'd never want to play any board game with you.
13. Loves that you bunt with a 3-2 count. Wait. I don't love that, wtf Nick?
12. Knows you love that Ozzie Guillen wants to have your love child, along with Morneaus. Sorry but that would be one very ugly, loud, bi polar child with Canadian influences. Like the late night craving for moose blood and maple syrup.
11. Loves how in game 163 you hit that single and I sobbed like I just won a million dollars.
10. Loves that you seriously like everyone, and it seems you always say yes. This might come in handy. Mental note taken.
9. Knows you were probably scared of Sidney Ponson. I was scared of him. I have never come across a person who said "by golly, I sure liked that creepy slimey looking epic fail from Aruba." No don't bring me to Aruba. I want to go to Cocomo.
8. I like it when you don't over run bases and get out. I love it when you don't do that. A shit ton.
7. Loves that you defy gravity. You are 5'8 yet you can jump twice your height it seems. A cat-like feature I wish to posses.
6. I love the way you look like a surprised fuzzy animal whenever a ball is thrown inside. You then look at the ump in your best innocent look and probably say something like "he's twying to hurteded me's"
5. I love you so much if you were on Dr.Phil I'd watch it. You'd probably be on it to talk to him about being addicted to sliding head first into first base. You live on the edge, sir. I still don't see how that is faster than feet first. You need to be on sports science and prove to the world the Nicky Punto way is the right way indeed.
4. Loves that you work out with David Ortiz during the off season, or at least used to. The visual alone makes me laugh.
3. Likes that you are #8. Naturally my favorite number along side #4. And yes you are one more number awesome-er than Joe Mauer.
2. Loves how fast you run, I want to jump on your back and tell you to go 88 mph so we can go back to the future.
1. I love your back side. I love that ass. I can see it from 200 yards away. You are the reason that the Home Run Porch was the best place to sit. And thirdbase line when you used to play the hot corner. You played the hot corner because you are hot. Simply put. Nick Punto is a gamer. Nick Punto is a mans man. Nick Punto is you, Nick Punto is me. Nick Punto is that dude from V for Vendetta. He is all that is good in the world, so today we salute you, tiny hustling scrappy son of a bitch. I raise my glass to you, GOOD DAY SIR.

Yay Hudson!

2010-02-04T23:51:00.003-06:00

No, not you Wisconsin....the cooler Hudson. Orlando.

Wait, I just realized his name consists of two city names. How about that.

Maybe his name tells us a little about himself.

Hudson is a quaint city on the border of Wisconsin and Minnesota on the great St.Croix River. Weird...the TWIN cities is split by a river. Coincidence, I think not. Eat that, J.J Abrams. I could so write LOST.

As for Orlando, it's full of attractions, and Orlando is attractive? And....yeah I got nothing.

So lets celebrate!

Celebration cat! Not enthused, but still celebrating none the less!

Welcome to this frigid freakin' state. It's way different than Los Angeles. Woah, another mystical connection. Dougie Baseball plays for the Dodgers, you used to play for the Dodgers and he used to play for the Twins! I could do this Kevin Bacon thing with every player I think in the league. So that wasn't even mystical. At all.

ohhhh, la la.

2010-02-04T15:55:00.000-06:00

I made a new header, isn't it just beautiful? I know, I know...isn't it just crazy I never went to one photoshop/graphics class? I am stunned too.

So I decided a new thing this season I will be doing Tweetsday Tweets. Thursday is now Tweetsday. I will be posting my favorite Tweets from baseball players and obviously picking what they say apart and make silly accusations. So today will be the first Tweetsday Tweets!

The first comes from my favorite baseball player ever.

/Sarcasm

@NickSwisher What did you have for lunch today?

I had Jambalaya, Nick Swisher. I surely hope you had a big steaming bowl of shut the fuck up.

@thisisdspan
Today was a long day. I'm on my way hone from gettin swole! Lol

Okay Denard, I will let you get by with one typo. Since you are new to Twitter. I am very pleased with you using the word Swole. My girl crush just got crushier. So much I have to show one more of your recent Tweets, which was a three part tweet but I will combine them all.

@thisisdspan I see that my humor has brought more humors back towards me! Why r u guys getting mad at me for the weather here?!we all have choices in Life and all u twins fans decide to live in Minnesota where u get no sun for 11 months and do fun things like ice fishing and drinking hot Chocolate all day long! Lol I mean honestly I so very NOT jealous of minnesotoans lol! But that's why I love u guys bc u go thru a lot and I've also been threw a lot.

Oh Denard, you young tweeter. I know it's hard to write on iphones and the such. Denard I will bring all the humors back towards you, if you know what I mean. This mass tweet made me crack up, I am glad he pointed out how insane we are that we live in a place with no sun, and all we do is fish and drink hot chocolate. Because really, I'm not going to be the one standing in center field after they plowed 5 inhes of snow off of the field in 30 degree weather, you are. I'll be in the stands wrapped up in a damn snuggie singing "lets get Denarded! Ha! Let's get Denarded IN HERRRRRE"....and more than likely drinking hot chocolate.

I sense that Denard will be the Minnesota Twins version of @vshiancoe

And now onto our final Tweetsday Tweet!

mattholliday7 Big fan of the new creed album, helps me get through long bike workout

.......Creed? Really? Oh before I say anything he decided to lash out and Tweet this minutes after the tweet I just showed you "Save it all you creed haters, I'm sure your iPod is filled with perfection. Let me know what's cool"

Damn straight my iPod is filled with perfection. Anything with Huey Lewis and the News, Spandau Ballet, Rick Astley, and *NSYNC is damn near perfection. Silly Matt Holliday. Whatever makes you sleep at night, or...get you through your bike workouts. I suggest he tries out Joe Mauers walk on song on repeat. (I highly suggest nobody put themselves through such torture)

Lastly, I made an OMGMNTwins twitter! BE ONE OF MY MINIONS. <3

OMGMNTwins

And if you want to dabble into my personal life:
@Karleecupcake

The year of the J.

2010-01-28T18:27:00.002-06:00

Is it just me or are there a whole lot of guys on the team that has the letter "J" at the beginning of their first or last name?(The ones that matter, naturally) We sign J.J Hardy and now Jim Thome? All we need to do is sign Jarrod Washburn and I'll be a happy camper. Oh yeah and give Joe Mauer 500 billion dollars and all you can eat Jimmy Johns (more J's) so he'd stay in Jminnesota.

Jim Thome is the baseball version of Brett Favre, let's just hope he doesn't strike out and lose the game in the third straight game 163 at the end of the 2010 season vs the Royals. (did you catch the whole, 'that will never happen because the Royals are the Lions of baseball.' aura?)

Did I mention that J.J Hardy and Jeff Manship are complete babes? I think I might have some new baseball boyfriends, watch it Punto and Slowey you got competition. Manship was born in 85 so he is automatically way more awesome than anyone else on the team. Gomez used to be my 85 buddy, and birthday partner but he up and left me.

So kids, I'll be at twins fest on Saturday. You can find me playing patty cake with TC, or stalking Nick Punto all Dick Cheney-esque.

So simply put here is my take on signing Jim Thome. Yes, he's old. He'll be most def a hall of famer, he still has it and really think of our past "bench" guys. Please. Matthew Lecroy, Jeff Cirillo, Mike Lamb, Brian Buscher, and I can't forget lil L Rod Luis Rodriguez. He is the best we have had in a long, long time. And for 1.5 mil!? Uh can you say steal? Yikes.

The Rundown.

2010-01-22T16:44:00.003-06:00

So, I know it's been a while....I could tell you all my reasons as to why it's been so long I have written but I'd rather just tell you I've been fighting the resistance of the apocalyptic force of a certain purple and green dinosaur from planet channel 2. It's complete bullshit but it made you stop wondering now didn't it?

Now onto what I do best. Talk about baseball in the way a drunken college guy would to his friends while playing beer pong.

Dude, have you all seen Pat Neshek lately? I remember the day when he looked so lanky but he kind of looks like a brick house now. I don't know if it's just me, but I see it. It's been a while since we have been graced with the wondrous presence of said awesome man. Pat Neshek is too hard-core to even attempt to think of using performance enhancing drugs.
He's a good Minnesota boy, not a stupid guy from Jersey Shore. But if he was a character (I know they are human beings but, that show just CANNOT be real) on Jersey Shore his guido name would be "the freakshow" for super obvious reasons. Sorry Tim Lincecum for stealing your nick name, he is all the crazy and you just look like you should be a member of Miley Cyrus' band.

Now onto the main reason of this rant. I think Pat Neshek finally started eating red meat again. Remember I blamed his arm issue on his addiction to Wii and his weak body with the lack of meats? Do any of you remember me posting this picture? :

That picture has came to fruition. But he isn't Sidney Ponson fat. But he HAS to be nomming on some cheeseburgers now. He looks healthy and ready to kick some ass.

We acquired JJ Hardy from the Brewers in the off-season. My friend who is a Brewers fan (yeah, they have fans...so weird right?) said the ladies loved JJ Hardy. But I must say he has some serious competition here. Have you SEEN Joe Mauer? Holy crap. He's kind of a stud.

JJ Hardy, I heard someone really misses you though:

Ryan Braun, in his natural habitat. He misses sharing his grubs with you.

It's alright, Nick Punto will make you slushies and feed you gummi bears he keeps in his pocket. And then let you ride on his unicorn.

.....I know, I bet you all missed me.

Kar out.

side note: BRETT FAVRE.

being a night owl has it's perks

2009-10-06T14:05:00.002-05:00

After the win on Sunday I ripped my cell phone from my pocket and frantically started calling the twins box office. To no avail the busy signal screamed in my ear, for a good 4 hours. And online was just as bad. A virtual waiting room? Really? It was way worse than a waiting room at a hospital. At least there you know you will be seen. Dialing over and over and waiting online brought me back to the *NSYNC days trying to get tickets. So stressful, I suggest never put yourself in that position.
Around 9:30 at night the site finally said 'no tickets available' and I felt my heart sink. Lil ol' me not going to the most important game of the year? Poppycock I say! I sadly go to bed and as I wake I check online and it says the same thing. I watch that Monday night football with that Favre guy and all I could think about in the back of my head was "Must. Get. Tickets."
I finally grasped onto the fact there is a 1 in a 50,000 plus chance I'll get tickets still. Before I lay my head I check online one more time.....

HOLY CRAP, the ticket selection screen pops up?! It was like seeing color TV for the first time. I pound at my keyboard seeing whats available. Section 141 row 5? I start squealing. I order the tickets. I call my friend, and we celebrate. That night felt like Christmas eve.

Needless to say I am kind of excited for tonight, no matter the outcome this will be a moment I will never forget.

You seriously can't count them out.

2009-10-02T23:11:00.002-05:00

I swear the Twins have given me more of my fair share of stress ulcers and heart burn. Especially after tonight's game. Lets re cap:

Twins dominate. They take a hold of the Royals and shake them like a salt shaker and/or a Polaroid picture. Manship was the ship(for obvious reasons), and the twins were on the boat. Sailing as free as they can be. Then Manship kind of lost his sails.
Then Jesse Crain proceeded to set fire to the ship, running around drunk and taking an axe at anything vital to keep said ship a float. It worried me greatly as you can tell. And then Jose Mijares obviously forgot that hitting a batter is a bad thing to do. Delmon Young didn't seem to mind this time though. Someone needs to check out Mijares.....I think he might have short term memory loss.
Keppel calmed the fire and Joe Nathan obviously did his "I'm so nervous, OH I walked someone, hehe tying run is at the plate... BAM SIT DOWN BITCH" routine.

Going from 10-0 to 10-1 to 10-7 isn't cute.

I would like to go and say that I was flipping back and forth from the Twins game to the Detroit and Chicago game. I caught myself cheering for the White Sox a couple of times. I want to let you know it doesn't feel good. I felt like I was caught cheating. But it was kinda worth it, seeing Detroit get their asses handed to them.

Tomorrow I'll be going to the game. I expect that I will have my hands by my face a lot. So I'll bring my bottle of purel since there has to be at least 100+ people there with h1n1. Sorry if I just scared the shit out of you but I am just thinking logically. I'm spock.

Random Karlee Twins thought: I love the look and body language of Nick Punto after he bats. He looks like a surprised kitten who just got spooked. Or when Sonic the Hedgehog goes on the ledge of things and he has that "OOOH!" look on his face and hes on his tippy toes? You know exactly what I am talking about.

If you want to meet up with me at the game I'll be the girl in the twins shirt sobbing. I won't be hard to miss, I'll probably be flailing my arms about. Make sure you say hi.

OMG?

2009-09-29T14:06:00.002-05:00

Before you say anything....I know I've been a bad blogger this year. Stop yelling. It hurts my ears.

I have decided I might make a blog with all sports involved. I must admit this but baseball isn't the only sport out there thats worth ranting/bitching/praising. The site will be up shortly :)

Now onto this here beisbol.

This year has been very emotionally draining. From the heart breaking loses to the epic wins. And it's weird to say after all of our bullpen malfunctions we are only 1 game behind first place with only a handful of games left. This is why I love this game, it's almost every day for what it seems half the year then all a sudden the last week is the most stressful thing you've been through since prepping for a colonoscopy (thats how it felt every time I watched Jesse Crain pitch, actually)

Now here I will randomly write out some of my feelings about this year:

- At first, I wanted to strangle Cuddyer with his own lack of confidence at the plate. He was like that girl in school who was nice and charitable and super into team work. But she smelled bad and always somehow ruined your happy with doing things like throwing up on you while in choir practice (never lock your knees), budding in the lunch line and taking the last of the chicken fries, and of course cheating off of your work.
But then years go by after graduating (years are months in baseball) and she's super hot, smells of rich mahogany and is a complete man eater. So I guess what I am trying to say is Cuddyer got hot in the game sense, and noway in the physical. Or he got possessed by the ghost of Kent Hrbek or Count Clutchula turned him into one of his minions. Yes, I just said Count Clutchula. Karlee Kanz 2009. Copyright.

- I still don't know why I keep rooting for Nick Punto, did that sound mean? I didn't mean it to be. He loves the game so much you just want that short shit to succeed at anything he does. That scrappy, bunting, head first sliding sunnuva b. He magical, thats why. Unicorns the size of gnats run through his body and work him like a trojan horse.

- I don't know if you guys heard about this at all but Joe Mauer is like....super good. He's hitting like .845 or something. And the home runs he's hit this year if you split them in half it is what prior to this year was his career high. ( did I just make your head hurt with that horribly constructed sentence?)
His SLG is .602 and his freaking OPS is 1.047. Seriously, what kind of crazy voodoo rituals has he been doing? Has he been doing them with Vladdy G? Since he is obviously a witch doctor. He is either Iron Man, The Terminator, A Transformer, or a 25/25/25/25 of Nancy Drew, Mcguyver, the ghost from Ghost Writer and The Million Dollar Man.

- Justin Morneau, stop being a big ouchy Canadian. Get better a-sap. Same goes for you Kevin Slowey.

-I felt sick to my stomach when one day I uttered out these words to my friend "I wish Boof Bonser was back"

When it comes down to it I am shocked with the position we are in right now. We deserve it, our team is young and has been through a whole lot and I feel as if they have matured greatly since last year. One thing that worries me is if we do make the playoffs we would be playing the Yankees. But that my friend is a whole other blog post.

Stay classy, Minnesota.

Joe Mauer is awesome....totes.

2009-06-06T00:47:00.002-05:00

There comes a day when you realize something so profound it just blows you out of the water. Today is that day.

Just kidding it isn't THAT serious, but none the less the post game Joe Mauer interview tugged on here Karlees heart strings a lil bit.

Here is the part where it got to me (I got all the quotes correct, even Mauers Minnesota-isims)

Robbie It's my cow ski: “Joe it was 8 years ago today you were drafted first overall by the Minnesota Twins. Was it a dream come true when you look back at that day and you look at your career whats it been like for you”

And then the one who add's in too many “uhms” “uhh's” and “ya know's” in his vocab (it's the Minnesotan...ya know) goes on to say:

Joe 'I'm the rocket man' Mauer: “Well it doesn't seem that long ago *insert charming smile here* but-uh yeah just an unbelievable day and-uhmm ya know this is where I wanted to be since I was a little kid and ya know that was just the beginning of it and-uh ya know I'm here now and I'm trying to stay here for a while”

And that is where I fell in love with that big goof all over again. People say he's going to be in it for the money once he hits free agency. But he knows his counterpart, compardre and uber Canadian boyfriend Justin Morneau would disown him and that amazing M&M man-love-o-thon would be no more. Also, his mommy would be pissed. We don't want momma Mauer to get ticked off, did you see how serious she was in the Joe Nathan/ Joe Mauer commercial? She means BUSINESS.

So Boston, New York, and yeah even YOU LA. Mauer doesn't want any business with you. He loves Minnesota, his mommy, and his boyfriend way too much to leave. Would you break up Bert and Ernie? Marco and Polo? Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart? Jon and Kate? Kit and Kat? Mike and Ike! NO. NO you wouldn't! Don't mess with perfection. M&M for life. Or, until Mauer actually turns into a crazed ego maniac and plays for the Yankees and crushes my life. But until now, all is good in Hollywood. Or Minnesota, you get it.

Fin.

ps: Sorry I haven't been blogging, my brain has been on overdrive with other such things.

pps: by the way we won in the 10th inning when Joe Nathan sat down Ken-ha-you-didn't-little-big-league-us-tonight-Griffey and Ichiro-yes-my-last-name-is-Suzuki. He struck out Ichiro. STRUCK OUT. I think thats the like 1st time he did it this year...or I can be gravely exaggerating

....really?

2009-05-07T19:43:00.002-05:00

Manny Ramirez is a chick, I should of realized that when he had those long dreaded locks. I mean a female fertility drug? Really? What kinda voodoo shit are you up to? I am slowly disliking baseball, because most of the people that are VERY good are juicing up or attempting to get pregnant, like Manny obviously was trying to do.

Baseball is supposed to be a little boys dream to play, to look up to the greats and say "I want to be like them" and now a days, who wants to be like A-Rod or Manny? Hell, I looked up to Mark McGwire now I feel like my childhood was all a lie (that is a HUGE over exaggeration, mind you) I am going to blame him for my social anxiety that I had in middle school.

I think if these idiots decide to use drugs to make them better, they should never be able to play baseball. It isn't fair, what so ever. Personally if I found out if Justin Morneau were juicing I'd jump off my roof, and end up having one messed up twisted ankle. It's the thought that counts.

I guess there will be cheaters no matter what, in whatever you do in your life. So if you are a child, and your standing in line at the water park and you see a kid budging in line, don't be afraid to pull a Nancy Kerrigan on them.

So here is the moral of the story: I think douchebag idiots should never play baseball. They should make them do a 100 true or false test, to see how much of a douchebag they are. If they are in the 30-40 range they are good, if u are under 30 you might as well settle for a softball beer league,and if u are over 40 your Manny Ramirez, and should be out for more than 50 games.

PS:

2009-04-22T18:27:00.002-05:00

I LOVE DENARD SPAN.
Robbie its-my-cow-ski is interviewing him and he's like "what do you do during a rain delay" and Denard goes "look at you and watch the rain" and Robbie obviously blushes, duh and says "boy that is just a joyous way to spend it I'm sure" and Denard is like "yeah man you are so beautiful"

And he took a nap. He so brought up Jurassic Park, and he doesn't know how to twitter, and he wishes he did because he is bored.

He's stealing my heart one sarcastic comment at a time.

This is what happens during a rain delay.

2009-04-22T18:14:00.002-05:00

What I am about to tell you right now furthers the reasoning as to why I love this team to pieces:

I sit here watching the pre-game show to the second game that probably won't happen.
Who in the hell schedules the only time the Twins and Bo Sox meet in Boston IN APRIL?
Idiots...anyways. They show Scott Baker in the club house, mind you he blew and his name anagram "rocket bats" fit him too well giving up three two run home runs. But oh, this isn't why I love them.

He's being all quiet, and scott baker-y and all a sudden I hear a loud squeal, at first I thought Nick Punto accidentally turned around and saw Mike Redmond in his face (you all know EXACTLY what I mean), but then I started to hear the theme music to Jurassic Park. JURASSIC PARK! MY FAVORITE MOVIE. And I know the exact scene they were watching. It's when the family is getting ran out of the building by the velociraptors and they go to the main concourse where the huge t-rex skeleton is. And then they are like "OH NOES WE DED" and then T-Rex comes in and its like "NOM NOM NOM raptor NOM NOM NOM...*huge roar*", and they run out like "omgz, thank u t rex ahhhh"

Shooooooooooot Haaaaaaaa!

So MN TWINS, you are on thin ice. You better win your next game. If it's tonight or not. Jurassic Park saved your ass. Otherwise I would of ripped Scott Baker a new whatty-you-think.

Oh....Gardy

2009-04-17T23:38:00.002-05:00

I am so glad we won in the manner we did tonight, otherwise Gardy would of just broke down and cried.

He seemed so bummed last night, lets thank the greatness that is Jason Kubel who hit for the cycle tonight. I have been hearing so many people saying the Twins suck etc blah blah. Last time I checked the season JUST started, and they have a ton of games to go.
Just be happy you aren't the Washington Senators. If I was a Washington Senators fan this year, or a Seattle Mariners fan last year. I wouldn't be too happy. Oh and also, be happy you aren't a Cubs fan.

I see this team, and it is capable of so many things. Like tonight for example, we didn't have Young, Gomez, or Casilla and we still pulled it off. Every person on that team has a purpose. I just am iffy with the whole pitching staff.

Tonight, all in all I am glad to finally see Kubel smile for more than .001 of a second.

Back to The South Side

2009-04-10T18:31:00.004-05:00

Pre Game:

-I have come to realize just how important Joe Crede was to the White Sox. And it makes me just that much more excited to have him. Dingo= MN Twins Baby= Joe Crede. We stole your dingo, Chicago. Yes we did.

-I hope they stop showing the last game of last year. Please it hurts too much.

- Joe Crede is great. He is just cool beans, and all that and a bag of chips. He says Minnesota like Minnesotans do, I just got the warm and fuzzies. Why yes I did.

- R.A Dickey, I am kind of way too excited to watch you pitch. I just sure hope Morales can catch you. Nerves, I has dem.

Top Of The First.

-Bert Blyleven already wants to punch Dick in the face.....I sense it. Dick you just called Bert fat.
-Hooded jerseys? That just looks silly as all get out.
-......I wonder if Dickey is wearing a dickey....hehehehehe.
-Sand Castles takes a walk, with his cool hood. I want him to put the hood up.
- J Mourn up in teh hizzzzy. He is hood-less. It's because he's Canadian and 30 degree windchill is shorts weather to him.
-Sand Castle scores, by the most awkward J Kubes hit I've seen. Oh hai we are ahead.
- Cuddyer so has the hood on. He looks so snuggly and cute. So Cuddy-bear-esque.
-Pierzynski so just said something to Crede, probably "I miss your epic neck massages in the hot tub after each game"

Bottom of The First
-Dickey does not have a dickey on. I am so sad.
- Uhm, Delmon Young you are an epic failure. I don't know how to feel about that error and lack of catching that ball. Lets blame it on the wind? BERT stop being a homer.
- Nick has a beanie under his hat. And that makes his cuteness level to level "seafoam green"
- Dickey strikey outy.
- two on board for Jim Evil Evil Evil Evil Evil Thome
- Thanks Dick for telling me Dickey got pounded last year VS the White Sox. I didn't miss your negativity.
- I can has Jim Thome strike out? Yes <3
- Morneau, I love you.

Top of The Second
-Air Supply as his intro song!? I just laughed so hard. That was probably amazing. Wait...that was the best thing ever.
-CREDE HOME RUN AHHHHHH, I feel so grand right now!! Oh, I love baseball. I think we need air supply as his walk on song from now on. Agreed?

+my interwebs is being mean, I'll update when I can. All I can say is Joe Crede= love

Best team ever!

2009-04-09T02:51:00.002-05:00

....well standings wise we are #1.
We'd be going to the play offs if the baseball season were 3 games....

Here is my thoughts so far on this team this year:

+I chose Cuddyer to pick on because I know he'd prove me wrong. Maybe he is scared he'll break all his fingers and miss the rest of the season like he did last year. Thats why most of the time the bat didn't leave his shoulder. Rbi leader, I say I am sorry. FOR NOW.

+Joe Crede has anger issues. I mean by all means get pissed off at yourself for striking out, throwing your bat, gloves and helmet. Just use that anger to actually HIT the ball next at bat k? Oh I also love that his walk on song is Metallica. He is so hard core.

+Nick Punto was already shown on the final score for his double play amazingness. He is eligable for a golden glove this year, I officially start the PUNTO FOR SS GOLDEN GLOVE, BLOW ME JETER 09. His walk on song is "Thriller"....I swear my crush gets bigger as each day goes by. It's disgusting to tell you the truth.

+Shit...........I miss Joe Mauer.

+ I love D-Span. Each day goes by, he gets more amazing and I think less and less of sweetcheeks...*weeps* Tooooooooooooorri.

+My friend had on a rivas t-shirt tonight, I love her.

+ Joe Nathan is not human.

+ Gomez, SETTLE. NOW.

+I really really really really miss Mauer. It's like that annoying neighboor that always has to talk to you when you go to your car? And you are like "why are they ALWAYS outside? Do they just WAIT TO ANNOY ME!?" then one day you go outside and you get that "i just got spooked" feeling. Said neighboor is nowhere to be seen. You shake it off. Then the days go by and no said neighboor. Your whole life is off it's axis. I need you Mauer, like bee's need flowers, and us needing bee's to pollenate the flowers to produce oxygen and...I need my honey! I want my honey back!

+We are 3 games deep, and I am already being a complete spazz. For the two people who read this (HI MOM!)* get excited.

*: my mother does not read this blog.

live blogging

2009-04-07T18:36:00.001-05:00

Wanna see me blabber? Live blogging it tonight with Pulling A Blyleven, check the links ;)

-kar

Opening day blues

2009-04-07T15:29:00.002-05:00

Here I go being a debbie downer right off the bat, but it needs to be done.
I serve it up straight, with no filler, tough love my friends.

Michael Cuddyer needs to learn how to step out of his comfort zone. To me he seemed very reserved, and waaaaaaaaay too picky at bat. The guy barely swung, yes he got a run but he also struck out what seemed like 4904908 times. Yes, 4904908 times. I can go on and say that it's beginning of the season and he will get better but it felt just like the little of the Cuddyer we saw last year. He is past his prime in my eyes.

Wow I really shouldn't be blogging and listening to Metallica at the same time. It's anti Cuddyer music I guess.

This is what in my mind, was going to happen last night:

Liriano going 6 innings, 8ks with 1 earned runs and 4 hits. Then in comes Jesse Crain giving up 30 hits and 24 earned runs. Hmmmm weird, the guy next to me asked his friend is that was Juan Rincon when the Crainadian came out. I held back my laughter.

SIDE NOTE: I DON'T LIKE KEN GRIFFEY JR. Every game I've gone with him in it, he's gotten a HR. And every time it reminds me of little big league. He crushes my hopes and dreams. Him, Frank Thomas, Jim Thome and Nick Swisher can suck it.

Tonight will be better. Oh yes, it will be.

ps: Punto's ass was in prime ship shop shape last night. Esp when he was charging home plate then ran back to third and yelled SAFEEEEE. lol.

A True Yankee

2009-03-25T16:38:00.002-05:00

My great uncle Johnny Blanchard died of a heart attack this morning. He was a two time world series champ with the 61' and 62' New York Yankees and won 5 pennants with them. Every time I saw him he always had some sort of yankees logo on him, he was a true Yankee till the end. And even during some sad times in our family he always seemed to put a smile on my face, may you rest in peace.

I wrote about him in this blog two years ago:

Welcome to Blylevenland

2009-03-11T18:28:00.003-05:00

Spring Training re-cap so far:

We signed Joe Crede, didn't you hear? I'm going to go and say that it was a great idea. We aren't wasting money if his back flairs up again, but it seems like the back pain is contagious, since Joe Mauer has been having issues. Thankfully it's only a inflammation, give him some pills and he'll be ready to go.

But here is the debate; should Joe Mauer not play catcher? It seems the issues he's had could possibly stem from being a catcher. He's a young guy and he's already falling apart? Yes I bet he could make an amazing third basemen but then people go in and say third basemen has to be a power hitter, and Mauer isn't the type. I really think we'd be fine if he kept up with how he's been hitting. Last time I checked he has some hardware to show you that he's a good hitter.

Now onto more less argumentative things.
Bert Blyleven looks pretty fantastic in a baseball uniform still. I already prepared myself for this season. You know he'll bring this baseball classic up anytime he can, something along the lines of “blah blah blah youngsters blah blah blah scrappy blah blah blah I wish I had my telestrator so I could circle them blah blah blah I kind of missed Sidney Ponson, he's a GAMER.”

Now it's time for things Karlee wish would happen but never would:
If Mauer moves to third, which wouldn't happen since we have Crede. We could sign Ivan Rodriguez. Pudge Pudge Pudgey Pudge. Then some-how we'd get David Wright to sign for a one year deal just to stand there and look super brooding and tall, dark and handsome. Strictly for visual stimulation only. He would even make Valdimir Guerrero blush. Or he could be that a-hole in the home run porch who starts the wave going the WRONG WAY. I HATE IT when that happens.

side note: Last update I said we needed to drop Bonser. Well jeez, he dropped himself. Maybe he stopped eating meat like Neshek and got wii elbow/shoulder.

should have seen this coming a million miles away

2009-02-17T15:58:00.002-06:00

Let me make this short and sweet.

Bill Smith,

You are sneaky. But not THAT sneaky.
We were all wondering as to why you did nothing in the off season?
How it's aware we need a good 3rd basemen.
Now I see what you were doing, you were waiting for Corey Koskie to
emerge out of his crypt to say "meh...lets do this!" and have at the ball and bat once more.
If this is true. I might spontaneously combust. I really don't want to die. I like the guy but if we sign one more person who used to play for us and think:
"maybe THIS TIME they will be good/ lets hope they dont get another career ending injury"
I just might...AGH!
Just let the guy play catch with the guys, feel like he's cool again and then just give him a werthers original and pat him on the back for a good days work.

ps: we need to drop Bonser. I said it.

NEWS FLASH!!!

2009-02-10T12:53:00.002-06:00

Once again the Twins have been projected to be an epic fail.
What is up with everyone even certain beat writers *cough* think so low of the Twins?

I guess you gotta pick on the good guy.
Or at least THE GUY WHO DOESN'T MAKE ANY MOVES IN THE OFF SEASON.
Okay....okay relax. We locked down Nathan, Morneau, Punto, and Kubel.
Why fix something that did so well last year? Right?
I guess this is how the big wigs and GM's are thinking.
I'm trying my hardest to stay calm and collected but it's 4 days until pitchers and catchers report.

I guess it's understandable why we'd go for Crede.
He's prone to injury and won't be as good as he used to be.
That's the Twins way, that or bring em on up from the farm system.
I mean that isn't bad, that's where we got uh, all or our players pretty much?
I think Twins fans secretly wish we could toss our money around and buy players and build a massive huge epic team like the likes of the Yankees,Mets,Dodgers,Red Sox...etc.
If you disagree it sure seems like that's what everyone wants.

You gotta keep everything chill in the system, with the players, coaches, and GMs.
You see, just think if we signed a well known 3rd basemen. Let's say for the sake of my dreams coming true that 3rd basemen is David Wright. For mucho money, all the players get jealous and He's the new poster boy. Think how Mauer would feel, very un loved. Do you want to make Joe Mauer cry? Exactly.

Now you are saying, "Karlee...Justin Morneau is getting well paid and is well known!?!?!!one//"
Well, random mad person might I add this:
He's been playing for us and only us for a while. He deserves it. And he loves the Twins system. He has been seasoned, and simmered in the twins pot for hours. So there would be no animosity between the players because he deserves it.

Think of it this way, your in pre school hanging out with the red head, the girl who's cute but smells like pee, and the boy that will end up being smarter than any of you. And you all hang out every day, playing with legos and experiencing 4 square for the first time in your life. WOW, the red head sure knows how to toss that ball! After 4 square each day you get juice boxes and cupcakes. Isn't that something? But then a week later a new kid, overweight Tommy joins your pre school jamboree. Then something horrible happens, your teacher Mrs.Pennyworth announces to the class for the sake of being healthy there will be no juice box and cupcakes. It will now be until the end of time........one percent milk and carrots.

I WOULD BE MAD TOO, and then all your pre-school friends will start turning on each other and eventually kill Tommy.

Do you really want to mess with a very good combination of people, do you really want carrots and milk!? Watch out maybe karen the vegan will join your pre school and you will have to drink HEMP MILK! Then dan the guy who is allergic to everything can't eat carrots because he's allergic to carotene. Now you will eat celery. And cry.

.............baseball please start soon, I think I just might be going a little bit off the wall.

You say you want a Kubeloution....

2009-01-20T15:35:00.003-06:00

The Twins today just finished signing a deal with the rubix kubes for signing him for two more years, filling out his remaining years of arbitration. And also giving him a club option for 2011.

I might as well go out and say it, that was a very good idea. I was assuming they would be doing that but the club option is a nice extra incentive. I gotta tell ya I like what direction Kubel is heading in.
He is still a "youngster" ( so stealing a word out of the Blyleven dictionary) and he is just getting better. IF ONLY he can be better in the outfield, even though we don't really need him out there anymore if I had to pick between Kubel and Cuddyer I would pick Kubel. Yes Cuddyer has his big rocket launcher arm but ridden with awkward injuries and his dwindling power makes me feel antsy.
Cuddyer will never leave, kind of like Nick Punto. So we all might as well get used to it. But thankfully we have the amazing awesomeness that is Denard Span. I think I will just start calling him dream weaver.
Next time he walks out on the field, make it slow-mo and play that song in your head. it just FITS.

All you kids have fun at Twins Fest this coming weekend. I shall not be going because of lack of money and lack of anyone interesting to go with haha. I'm sure it will be as fantastic as always. And someone can please tell Boof light beer doesn't mean you won't gain weight. I remember twins unplugged mister....haha.
Come to think of it my good friend RK from Pulling A Blyleven just pointed out how better Boof was before he was (B)oof. The kid needs to gain his weight back. The whole weight distribution is throwing his, well throwing off. I mean I've lost quite a bit weight this past year and when I throw punches they are much more out of control and not on target. So sorry for anyone that I punched in the throat the past 5 months. Which is, about 0 people so hey I don't feel bad!

Bring Boof those bars that chick ate and gained a good amount of weight in mean girls. Oh yeah, and lots of beers. And deep fried deep fry. And a pig roast. And something from Hardee's because that place is a one stop triple bypass. And just jugs of Crisco, the kind you get at Sam's Club!

I know you can agree.

2009-01-18T22:47:00.004-06:00

I sit here in the warmth of my house, and I watch the news every day and there is not one thing interesting about off season trades, or even thoughts of doing anything coming from the Twins camp.
And if you think of hearing something about a certain player from a different news paper in a different city who is just a guest blogger on their site is useful...then I GUESS MAYBE in the imaginary twins-might-be-doing-something world, they ARE doing something. But they ARE NOT.

Yes, Carl Pohlad died, rest in peace by the way. I bet nobody thought that could even be some-what of a set back (and I am assuming that it is) It's hard to get back to business when things like that happen.

Okay, there is my sensitive side. Now onto how I REALLY feel.

Uhhhhh, hello? See my last post? Spring training is in 26 days for catchers and pitchers. I'm waiting. Not so patiently anymore.
You thought Bill Smith being the new dude would make the Twins outlook on how they sign people be different? Aka do something? Yeah, right. It's the Twins. I mean, I should get used to this by now. Everyone should too. Yes it would be super duper cool if we could actually sign someone that:
A. Has never played for the Twins
B. Is under the age of 30
C. Doesn't have a broad history of being so accident/injury prone.
sidenote: I still think Pat Neshek got hurt from playing too much Wii and going to death metal concerts.

Speaking of old twins players....lets take a moment and remember some:

Lew Ford.
Lew...oh Lew.
I miss making fun of you, playing D&D and losing 3.5 million balls in the baggy.
And whenever I see this video it reminds me of you:

Jason Tyner.
I mean, who wouldn't miss someone who's middle name is their last name backwards? Renyt. Wow.

Sidney Ponson.
.....actually I don't miss your greasy, sweaty..scary presence on the mound. Heaving and. Oh goodness. NEXT.

Douglas Andrew Mientkiewicz.
My baseball boyfriend forever and always. Don't make me get into how much I do miss you. I still have your jersey somewhere. I'm too sad to wear it. You went to the dark-side and you can't come back from that. Even though you are a free agent and could come back but we have Canadian Bacon now sry.

It's very hard to be writing this when the new clue for the winter carnival medallion came out. Yes I'm one of those people. I just like feeling smart.

Speaking of smart, I have another awesome idea for target for R.A Dickey.

DICKEY DICKEYS! UGH, someone is going to have to knock me down a couple of notches I am inches from being so into myself.
I am ri-dickeylous. HA.
Come on, with the twins logo on the turtle neck, first 5,000 get em.
I would go every home game if I could get myself a free turtleneck dickey.

I didn't tell you?

*sing to the tune of sexy back by justin timberlake*
I'm bringing dickeys baccccck.
(yeah)
Just the arms that what we laaaack.
(yeah)
Who needs a whole shirt when you got whats best
(yeah)
Now turn around and the fronts the same as the back.
(take it to the chorus)

Go ahead boy.
Show me your dickey.
Lets go girls.
Lets wear them dickeys.
Come on child.
Who wears them dickeys?
Bert and Ernie-ahhh.

*dance break*

It hurts to be this good.

Plus hearing Bert say "Dickey Dick" isn't enough. I NOW want him to say "so you got a Dickey Dickey on Dick?"

PS: R.A Dickey, please be good enough to make it to the bullpen. Please.

R.A Dickey

2008-12-26T21:18:00.003-06:00

Ya know what?
Can we for once, maybe sign someone to a contract that has NEVER played for us?
I still like that idea of us finally signing an Asian pitcher.
(that is in my top ten "what the twins better do before I die" list.)
I'm not whining about it, he's an okay guy.

Dear Mr.Smith,

Oh hi there, this is just your average Joe six pack MN twins fan. I speak behalf of all of us when I (we) say "DO WORK SON".
I mean come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, if you don't do something by spring training I might purposely put myself in harms way just to get some excitement around here!
Yes, I know you signed my baseball boyfriend Nick Punto but we need someone to man the hot corner! And get a starter that is older than 18 years old that isn't Livan!
You know what R.A means? RINCON ALTER-EGO. AHHH run for the hills!
(yes alter ego is a two word one word. Mull that one over in your mouth for a bit)
Sign kouzmanoff. He has a cool name, then we can make beer cozies with his face on them and name them kouzies.**

Bahhh hummbug,
Twins Fan.

I was bored and looked at what you crazy people who stumble across my mini slice of webdom google to get to here.

"what does it mean when a man starts drinking and he doesn't know when to quit"
Richmond, VA.

Hmmmm. I think you are an alcoholic. Shot in the dark? Eh? I think I win this round. So you buy this round of drinks, sucka.

"why the Minnesota twins sucks"

Case and point: Juan Rincon. He is gone now, but without him even being on our team or playing against us he still can screw us over. That man sure has talent. To fail.

"MN twins Brendan Harris shirt"

.......................who would want one of those?

"nick punto web gems"

A whole bunch of you googled me and came to this site. Congratulations. You are a Nick Punto fan. I enjoy you, let's date.

"MN sucks"

Uh, blow me? Wait then you would suck. Oh burnnn. I love my 6th grade come-backs.

"boof bonser music"

Yes the rumors are true, there IS a band named boof bonser and no it isnt /boofbonser if you go there is a 50 something year old man from Yemen. Just as creepy as boof himself but could not top the creep hard-core band that is http://www.myspace.com/boofbonsermusic
Oh yes. Soak in the greatness. I would link it but the links aren't working with me at the momento.

Oh yeah, also this made me want to google and find out the meaning behind "boof" and "bonser" since I mean, they are from California and I am just in shock that out of all band names for a hard core band they picked "boof bonser"

I would so have gone with "Pat Neshek" aka death metal. Or R.A Dickey because it just makes you want to smile/giggle and say "....dickey" Then laugh harder thinking of Blyleven saying his name over and over and something along the lines of "so what do you think about Dickey Dick?"

from wiki:
Boof: "to have sexual intercourse" I could of used a more derogatory word but, I'm in that whole it's x-mas time I will tone down on the swear words kinda mood.
Bonser: means nothing, apparently.So I will make one up "to be good then suck very bad at the wrong moment" hopefully the first name and last name don't intersect otherwise that's just a shame.

** I am copyrighting that as we speak, hey Target want me to head the new marketing campaign for the new stadium? ;)

I think baseball needs to come back........

2008-12-12T04:26:00.004-06:00

Reaaaaaaaaal soon.
I think I'm already losing it, need proof?:

You mustard heard about Punto.
He's so fast you can't Ketchup to him.
I relish in the thought of him being with the twins for two more years.
Im glad he's going to stick around.

I am now a BONIFIED PUNTO PUP!

I went there. Punto Pup, I can't handle how much of a genius I am.
It hurts sometimes.

I know what you're thinking...

2008-12-11T02:20:00.002-06:00

Yeah yeah yeah, it's been quite some time since I've been on here.
Wanna know why?
Exactly who cares YAY I'm back!
WITH MORE SASS.

Anyways.

Lets begin this blog post by saying this:
WTF.
Yep, I am quite irked about this whole everyone wants Nick Punto as their utility player.
I mean, can't some of those *coughs* tough skinned twins fan realize that well, if the yankees, mets, dodgers, and phillies are looking at him MAYBE just MAYBE he might be a good player?

He is the perfect fit for the twins, tell me how we are.
We play hard, we give our all and we are scrappy.
Now tell me how that doesn't scream Nick Punto to you.
I, for one will be heart-broken and will be in a puddle of my own liquid sadness if he plays for someone else.
Yeah, that sounds gross but you get the point, lots of tears.
He's like that annoying kid in school that does really awkward shit, like eats paste or drinks fish bowl water but you come to school one day and he isn't there and it just doesn't feel right!

I KNOW you are shocked, you all were thinking of the same exact thing.
Nick Punto drinks fish bowl water.

America's past time

2008-09-30T14:32:00.002-05:00

I know I haven't been on here for what seems like forever.
But I've been pretty busy going to the games, and being busy off my ass.
(and on occasion guest blogging on pulling a blyleven.)

I must say this year has been a surprise, so many break out stars. So many highs and heart breaking loses.

Now it all comes down to one game.
It's the mini world series, as I call it. Yeah it's catchy and I'm copyrighting it so back off.

Two teams.
And when it comes down to numbers, it's almost a mirror image.
They lead in HRs.
But we lead in RISP and two out RISP.

The white sox are telling their minnions that they must wear all black.
Did they hear what happend when a certain football team did that?
Guess not.

I won't lie, I am super nervous but I ate Jimmy Johns and mac and cheese and a slushee today. That means morneau will get two more rbis so he can be #1 in rbis.
He already RBI'ed my heart *pitter patter*
Okay I addmit that was pretty hallmarky.

I sit here now, eating ginger chicken and I think "wow this is good." and then I think "If the twins can be as good as this, they can win." then I realize I'm slowly making myself go insane because of all the stress pushing on me. I am talking to myself.

I would really like for us to win, not only because we'd win the division but we'd clinch it IN chicago, Blackburn would be the winning pitcher. And Ozzie Guillen would probably spontaniously combust. Instant replay that. Delivery of the game THIS!

I will post soon after the game, lets hope I am a happy panda, not a sad one.

ps: FUCK NICK SWISHER.

Remember the Minnesota Moose?

2008-08-13T02:21:00.002-05:00

You Don't?
Good.
Moose...or Mooseys (more than one moose who sucks at grammar) in Minnesota= bad news.

I kind of thought we had a chance to win tonight.
Adam Everett has now used up all his greatness the past couple of days, I'll be gosh darn sure of it if he starts sucking a big one.

Oh no, believe me I'm the type thats more, optimistic than pessimistic.
Only if involves me not making fun of someone.
If I'm able to make fun of something, I'm ALWAYS negative.
I always make fun of something or someone.
So I hate you all.

Oh. Speaking of sucking.

Twins Bullpen.
I remember last year I'm all "we got this bullpen locked up all we need is a good dh and a third basemen and we're good to go!"

Then our whole team left.
Then Pat Neshek show boated.
Then he got hurt.
Then all a sudden, we just imploded.
Cuddyer got hurt.
Punto got hurt.
Everett got hurt.
Then everyone got hurt.
Then the bullpen got used way too much and now they cannot come back from wii elbow.
I mean...pitching too much.

I saw the always annoying ball boy take one right in the hoodinks.
I got hurt, yes..I got hurt.
Right *points to heart* here.

You know when you write down lets say, a long letter to a loved one with a pencil?
(this might only apply for left handers, since everything is made for you right handed nazi monkeys)
And you get all that lead on the side of your hand?
Thats (B)Oof.
Everything is going fine, you made mistakes but you erase them and like, draw a cute heart with the lace around it with the innitials JM&JM=...J&JM?*
You smile at your work. And then you fold the paper and...

SHIT IM SO MAD, I have this nasty mark on my hand and it wont go away.
OH NO I folded the paper with my hand! MY NOTE IS MESSY.

The Paper= The Game
What u wrote on the paper= The good innings you pitched
The nasty mark on your hand and now on your paper= Boof sucking.

Boof, I'm breaking up with you.
I'd send my homing pidgeon with a note attached that said "Im leaving your heart in the bullpen. You are no longer my starter. PS:Light beer still makes you fat"

*JM+JM = JJM = Joe Mauer + Justin Morneau= Justin & Joe Mauerneau

Yes, I'm alive.

2008-08-08T22:22:00.002-05:00

I tend to disappear out of sight sometimes.

Run down of the past 5445844 days I've missed I will post you 50 thoughts:

1. Nick Swisher sucks super bad at first base. You made me laugh hard, and I burned calories on you account. Thank you for making me less fat.
2. Nick Swisher loses his gloves because he likes boys.
3. Nick Punto is great.
4. Carlos Gomez needs to step it up or get outtaaa herrrre.
5. I don't know about my feelings for cuddyer coming back. No serious. I don't know stop nagging me.
6. Our Bullpen sucks a big huge one on the road, and its starting to piss me straight off.
7. Why is Adam Everett still playing?
8. I don't give two fucks about Brett Farve, this is a damn BASEBALL BLOG! :)
9. But hes kinda cute for an old guy.
10. AJ Pierzynski even gets punched in the face when he isn't even IN the fight.. that how much people hate him.
11. Joe Nathan has been making me nervous lately. And ya know what that should NOT HAPPEN...example tonights game. He hits a hitter. Then gives up two singles now bases are loaded with 2 out. Bottom of the 9th. Joe Nathan do not make me wanna cut a bitch.
12.Thank you.....we win. ANYWAYS.
13. I miss Juan Rincon.......HAH KIDDING.
14. I have a huge new hatred for "ibanez" why hes in " " 's? I don't know. But he's what we call a "douche bag"
15. On a scale to one the ten, who would win in a running race? Carlos Gomez or a great horned owl. I know the owl can fly, as can gomez.
16.I miss guardado. And I miss dougy baseball. He so could of learned how to play third base. Admit it he'd be better at third than Lamb or Harris. Buscher eeeeeeh i dunno.
17. I like ta do tha cha-cha.
18. I really hope the last games this year won't give me an aneurysm. It seems like the twins and fux have raced ahead out of the gate. Detroit has no chance anymore.
19. I really wish we got someone before the deadline. How about we pick someone up off of waivers? Oh crap I forgot it's the MN Twins I'm talking about.
20. You getting bored yet? Just think of Nick Swisher wearing a panda costume. Then think of you holding a bat. Yeah see I got you interested again.
21. I think Mike Pomeranz is sexually attractive.
22. Sorry did I creep you out? He used to play in the twins farm system, thats why I brought him up, yep.
23. You know who else did? .....I don't know I'm asking YOU.
24. every time I go to a twins game, I end up getting into a stare down with a kid. And why do they always win? I should creep them out enough to turn around and watch the game. But no. They stare at me. It's creepy. Maybe they want my lucky charms who knows.
25. New Kids On The Block played at M.O.A today.......what?
26. Packers new quarterback has big eyeballs.
27. Oh when we're in the world series, I'll be having viewing parties at my house. Oh you think I'm being super crazy thinking we'll be in the world series? We will. And it will be again the Cubs. Ron Coomer will burst into a butterfly since his very puffy body was it's cocoon.
28. I love Stephen Colbert. I wish he was my creepy next door neighboor. Read his section in his book about sports it will change your life.
29. I love the person who picks the music at the dome. Whoever plays the ting tings and vampire weekend is good in my book. I think they should play the Jonas Brothers. I mean the Doobie Brothers...wait I mean..The Allman Brothers...I mean The jackson 5...or...the osmonds.
30. I'm a little bit country.... I'm a little bit, ....let's make out sis.
31. BACK TO BASEBALL! So whats the deal with Manny? I never saw him as a east coast guy. He can sock puppet* it up with Torii Hunter. (*hand puppets made of socks, who are more than likely very annoying and they blab about nonsense)
32. Ozzie Guillen is also a sock puppet.
33. I will be selling Ozzie Guillen sock puppets soon.
34. My mom says whenever she hears the name Guillen, which is too much since there is a guillen on almost every team, I swear. She says it reminds her of Ed Gein. And in which it reminds her of Skin Stretched Lamps. I capitalized all of that because I think that would be a dandy little band name.
35. The Skin Stretched Lamps and Pippy...with the new single "it puts the lotion on the skin"
36. So anyone hear about Johan Santana? No? Shock.
37. Delmon Youngs new nick name: dark knight.
38. On my x-mas list: the twins to get an azn to play for us next year.
39. So I hear Casilla is healing nicely and he might be able to play in two weeks? Thats epic.
40. I'll admit it. I'm happy that Barlett and Garza are on a good team. But uh, they got the better side of the trade I concur.
41. I love it when 70 year old men wear bright blue shirts with pink red and yellow stripes. It makes my day brighter. Because WOW it was a bright shirt let me tell you.
42. As you can tell I'm kind of loosing steam here. Let me chew on a starburst to get some of my creative juices flowing.....
43. Jesse Crain sucks....WOW see the starbust worked!
44. I think Brendan Harris' next walk on song should be Burnin' Up by the Jonas Brothers. If you don't know the song, listen to it. It would be great. Oh and Mike Lambs should be "loser" by Beck.
45. Now I'm disgruntled. The starburst is stuck in my teeth *mini panic attack*
46. Oh my friend Joe says that the MN TWINS probably sit in the club house eating candy watching little big league waiting for milk and cookies from Gardy. Scary thing is I think he might be right.
47. ......white chocolate macadamia cookies. Straight up. Dammit Christy.
48. I'm going to the yankees twins game. Anyone else going? I'll be holding my "Circle Me Bert my mom thinks your hot" sign.
49. Oh yeah speaking of Bert. He eats crickets, and enjoys it.. I think he'd eat anything. I think someone should test this out, every week it's a different package dried animal that either tastes like bacon and cheese, sour cream and chive or vinegar.
50. ITS MY CATS BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SALLY ON YOUR 15 YEARS OF MEOWZERIFICNESS!

Come from behind wins

2008-07-15T00:04:00.002-05:00

I think the MN Twins need to start wearing shirts that say "we like it from behind"
Because,
1: It's true.
2: It sounds kinda kinky.
3: It would look good on a blue shirt and big white Tahoma, Verdana or maybe Webdings if you wanna get all cryptic on peoples asses.

I was watching the home run derby because well, that piece of canadian bacon was playing.
Josh Hamilton is one crazy cyborg alien.
Oh yeah, if you guys didn't know but JUSTIN MORNEAU WON THE HOME RUN DERBY.
Yeah, espn didn't catch the memo I think their heads are too far up the sob story that is Josh Hamilton.
I mean don't get me wrong, that kid is one big piece of talent. And kind of nice to look at.
He has tattos, so he's automatically kind of a big deal. I wanna meet him and play the "I'll show u mine if u show me your(s).................tattoos"

But congrats Justin for being a super awesome guy.
We're only 1 1/2 games behind and we have the home run derby champ.
Watch out.

As if my crush couldn't get crushier.

2008-07-11T15:09:00.002-05:00

Nick Punto has been on a 7 game hitting streak in which he's batting .478 (11-23) over that period of time.

YOU do not know how happy this makes me.
Wait, if you read my blog you probably do know how happy it makes me.

Last time I was at the game every time he was up to bat I'd sing "dream weaver"
The chorus not the creepy noises before and after the song.
I see the past games I've been people have been bowing and saying "we're not worthy"
That shits epic. I enjoy it thoroughly. If I was a dominatrix I'd whip out my.....whip.

Moving on.

Gardy pretty much said he's going to be our every-day SS.
I knew this would happen and I'm calling that we're going to win the division at the end of the year. We're going to sweep the white sox then go to kansas city and win them all too. I see these things.

Wishful thinking brings you a looooong way.

He's short.
He's "scrappy".
He's easy going.
He's a leader.
He rides unicorns.
He's a ninja, and lately a pirate because he's been stealing fast balls and hitting singles.
He's the resident slurpee maker.
He's Nick Punto.

....I'm not worthy.

PS: And all you Punto haters who hate on how he sucked and now you hate him more because he doesn't? Please send $1.00 to the "go f-yourself" fund. It's for a great cause.

/show-boating

ooooh we're LIVIAN on a prayerrr

2008-06-28T18:29:00.007-05:00

Ahhhhh...baseball.
It's been a while, I hope I'm not bad luck and they lose.

Top of the second
mil-a-wau-kee-yeah 1 minnuh-so-duh 0

-SO Alexi likes flicking people off,livan really enjoys those sleeveless jerseys. Has anyone give him the memo that they are inside and it isn't hot out...or in..there?
-Livan, stop breakin' my balls man. It's my first day back from the long hiatus and you gotta play me like that?
-Livan, an error? Lets thank that the ninja Nick Punto was fast enough to make it a less horrible mistake, kind of like when your parents conceived you...okay that was too much we're only behind by 2.
-Livan is also a ninja.

Bottom of the Second
-So last night, the game was interrupted like 4-5 times by a beach ball? Oh Yeah. Screw Brewers fans.
-Dick Bremer should of played for the rock cats..or..st paul saints.
-Kubel, now walk it out.
-TC and the milwaukee mascot looked like they were making out. In the darkness. Creepy. And to think TC wasn't going to walk in the same footsteps as Miley Cyrus.
-Mike Lamb looks like he should be wielding a sword, and body armor. He looks like such a...narnian character, Punto can be like a narnian since they are super short. Yep.
-I'm Bobby Boucher, my mammy said dat baseball is duh debil..so I swing and miss baseballs, because mammy says that they are orbs of the debil in which if it hits my baseball bat it sucks out all the happiness out of me. Brian Buscher you fail me once again. Go to narnia with Lamb.
-Hey Repub, or Tom Cruise and George W Bushs love child. Please hit a single?
-Rally cookies? Bert by the end of the season you are going to turn diabetic.
-Tom Harris W Bush...how dare you.

Top of the third
-Ryan Braun looks like a 12 year old whos father was a galago:
am I right or am I right?
-whilst I was googling galago(holy crap say that 10 times fast) aka bush babies livan has gotten himself in quite a pickle.
-He got himself into one of those pickles you get at the gas stations in that big bag full of pickle juice. Yep one of those since he decided to let another run score. And I will full-out say this. If they eventually take him out and put in Boof, I'll jump out of this here plane. And there isn't even any snakes on it!
-GOD NO! RIGHT WHEN I SAY THAT he takes off his car cover and probably drinks two more beers before half assing-ly warming up.....yeah its 5-0 now. I think this means I should NEVER blog ever again.
-Karlee. It's only the top of the third. And this is the MN Twins. We like come backs. We love coming from behind. Tee-hee.
-See wow, a couple fly balls and we're out. Why couldn't you of done thatuh..yeah..earlier?

Bottom of the third
CHEEEEEEEESE-5 SPAM-0
-Punto, do work! Please don't strike out again. You already threw your bat. Settle. Or fail.
-Mauer, wassap.
-.........we're already done? WTF? What happend!?

Top of the fourth
-oh thank you livan is still playing. Id rather have him pitch than Boofeteria.
-oh...could this be a 1-2-3 inning? *gasps*
-Oh it so is!

Bottom of the fourth
-THANKS MORNEAU for being strong and sending a laser beam to the second basemen. I don't know his name, wanna know why? Because I don't care.
-Monroe its okay *hugs* and Kubel, go yard. Make momma proud. Think of lolcats.
-Buscher stop making me feel like I'm going to throw up my spleen and hit the ball in a gap and let morneau score okay?
-Im super hating on this umpire. Suck a big fat one.

too busy sulking, woe is me and karlee has to eat now.

Kevin not so Slowey (Oh I'm such a card!)

2008-06-14T16:10:00.004-05:00

I enjoy that our pitchers are better in clutch situations than our 3,4,5 hitters.
Can our 3,4,5 hitters be Slowey, Korecky, and Hernandez please?
Since ya know, Livan forgot how to pitch and all.

I guess things are kind-of looking up for the yellow submarine shaped cakes filled with cream.

I mean, Juan Rincon is gone, it's like your worst player is off the dodge team ya know, the kid who always gets hit right away and you end up losing because everyone is just so pissed that he doesn't even give any effort into "dodging"

That's Juan Rincon.

Perkins is going to go yard tonight, I mean we're playing Milwaukee.

there comes a time.....

2008-06-11T03:22:00.002-05:00

when a blogger becomes more than a blogger.

my friends..

I have become.

Debbie Downer.

Dear MN Twins,

6 game losing streak? Oh and you got swept by the FUCKING WHITE SOX?
Out of alllllllllllll the teams it had to have been them?
NO! STOP!

fldfjagl;'uaopgfdflvb;lfddld;hfsdjasaslk!!!!,
-Karlee

Ick ick ick.
AND NICK SWISHER.
A TWINS KILLER?
AHHHHHHHHHH WHY?
UGH.

Okay and this is why I haven't blogged, because of this.
I just get mad again.
Just let it go, life goes on.

I'll be back when Im in my happy place.

Jeter you silly foooooool

2008-06-02T21:26:00.003-05:00

Lat time I checked, when ANYONE, even ichiro hits off the right field wall you know better that you BEST not try to turn that into a double.

But this foolish man thought different:

ya know, the very homosexual looking one?
Uh.
...........wow.
Okay the one on right right in the front. HIM. YEAH. PETER, oh..Jeter? Oh alright.

But he hit a "I'm Derek Effing Jeter wanna be double" off the wall where the cobra commander lives.
He's a part of the fantstic four, see the stretchy guy :)

When he throws I hear a faint whistling noise comming towards me, oh...whats that? Oh it's a MISSLE.
BOOM.

Jeter one word of advice:

side note: Who else would play cuddyer BUT ADAM SANDLER, right? Right. Imagine him juggling a ball on the brim of his hat. He could so pull cuddyer off.

Karlee-1
Jeter-0

i dont know how to quit you

2008-05-19T19:08:00.013-05:00

Hi I'm alive. *waves*

Top of the first:
-Boof, I'll probably piss out unicorns if you get out of the first without anyone scoring.
-Saltallaaamachiaaabananaboat is playing!
-Cuddyer is in center field, Kubel in Left. This will be exciting.
-I still really hate Alexi Casilla, just to make sure everyone knows.
-Ian Kinsler is a stud.
-Boof is a stud for using his Jedi powers to lure a line drive right into his glove, he didn't even move it. Powers, he has dem.
-Micheal Young is a stud.
-if Boof is lucky he will still have his head by the end of the game.
-Josh Hamilton is a stud...woah I didnt notice how attractive this team is.
-I lied, Josh Hamilton is a big ugly because he just got a home run.
-OH YEAH guess what guys, I'm not going to piss out unicorns, I was so excited I already named my unicorn Nico.

Bottom of the first
-I don't like Alexi. He's the poor mans Carlos Gomez. You do not deserve the #1 spot. Oh I'm going to keep on talking crap because when I do that you "bad" players end up being "good" but its 1-2 I'm sensing a awesome strike out. Oh, nubber to the pitcher. heh nubber is a great word.
-catalanottosaltalamacchiavasquezboggggs.
-I love me the repub. The only one I do love, little brendan harris foo-foo walking through the forest scooping up curveballs and boppin them in the gaps!
-I just heard a girl yell out "JOE MAUER" yes he's going to turn around and start unbuttoning his shirt slowly, winking at you and yelling out "take me here, right on home plate infront of 20,000 people!" .....shut your trap.
-Oh hai Mauer, line drives straight to players are NOT cool, but look at it this way if I was out there I wouldn't be able to catch it because I would of been too short. I guess thats a positive.
-I get to eat pei wei tonight, jealous?
-Morneau can you always hit home runs? Please? Every day? I'm not asking much I'm not saying every at bat just every day. Or a walk.
-Cuddyer, can you always hit home runs? Please? Every day? Am I a broken record? I WANT POWER!
-fill the bases so kubeloution can spank one up on the second level.....or it's the end of the first.

Top of the second
-coomer is on his second hot dog. Such a fattie, he should eat a hot dog each inning. If Bert was smart he'd say "you have to eat a hot dog each inning until we score"
-Oh yeah and Boof is gaining his weight back sloooowly, thats what happens when you drink BEER BOOF, yeah I seen it. I have eyes. I know what beer does to you. He's moving around like "yeeeesh...weird, why does my uniform feel more snug, hmmmm."
-Guess boof wanted to get out of that inning so he can make coomers stomach explode of hot dogs and chips.

Bottom of the second
-LMFAO DICK MADE A FUNNY! There is a poll on who is the best young left handed hitter and he's like "I wonder why Jason Tyner isn't on there" and Bert did his "ooooh you silllly" giggle. Yeah. Dick I like you more and more each day and you haven't used your damn maps yet. You got the hint.
-Oh I'm excited for the Tigers to come so we can feel the tiny wrath of renyt, his evil twin.
-Young I want to see a home run....young got thrown out by young. I'm happy I'm not drinking.
-Nick Punto is having a slow recovery, and they might send him down to florida. Nick Punto's hamstring stop being stingy and mean and selfish. We need his spunk back! I mean look he was in the duggout playing catch with himself, thats just pathetic.

Top of the third
-Sorry inhaling my food, if anything awesome happens I'll type it.
-Kinsler isn't cute anymore either. You "cute" guys getting solo home runs. psh.

brokeback mountain2 Little Big Leauge0 (bottom of the third)

-"Bronco Dicky lets go"- Bert Blyleven
-When you try to lay down a bunt. You don't try to run out of the box whilst trying to hit the ball. Okay? ALEXI!
-she's my cherrrry pieeeee....sweeeet rebup pieeeee.
-Oh yes....Harris to third. Thanks one guy who got a home run, you messed up reeeeal good.
-Joe Mauer you're good. Do work son.
-random: I really want to see Cuddyer use his rocket launcher from center field to get a guy out at home, and get him out.
-Joe Mauer= did work
-Morneau remember when I told you that you should get home runs? I'm just sayin....
-Morneausy gets his second walk.
-ick Cuddyer.

Top of the fourth
-42 pitches in 4 innings. Wow Boof if you didn't give up two home runs I'd be praising you.
Not burying you. I'm not doing that either though. I'm content.
-..................whoa that was,EPIC

Bottom of the fourth
-Kubeloution is still rearin' to go. Nice single.
-I'm surprised I've never seen a hitter actually swing and hit the catcher. I got hit in the head when I used to be a catcher, but also the girl didn't know how to hit on men let alone balls.
-reason 45904508 why i dont like everett: His walk on song.
-saltalamacchiachiapet is really cute too. Oh, I like the twins I forgot sorry.
-HOLY CRAP ALEXI CASILLA GOT A HOME RUN.....WHAT!? HE PULLED A JASON TYNER WHOA!
-I knew gomez and casilla would be bffs...they are like joe mauer and justin morneau but.....yeah you get the point.

Top of the fifth Cow Pokes 2 The Alexi Casilla show 4

-I still don't like Alexi Casilla. *pouts*
-I love the salty sweat line on your hat Morneau. Super attractive.
-I kind of like Kubel in right field. Just a tiny bit though.
-55 pitches thrown in 5. He can go the whole game if he keeps up being all super awesome and epic.

Bottom of the fifth

this inning disapeared

Top of the sixth
-Mike Lamb=Nick Punto=Mike Lamb=Nick Punto=Mike Lamb.
-1-2-3 sixth. mmmmmm.

Bottom of the sixth
-DLMON YNG TRPL MG
-Mike Lamb is about to break a bat up in some bitches ass if he doesn't hit it seems.
-There, sac fly....relax Lambers.
-They haven't shown coom dog since the second hot dog. I think he's in a dome dog coma.
-Mike Lambs eyebrows are so....tiny now.

Top of the seventh
-66 pitches into the seventh.
-now hes like 4560598459048 pitches. gahhhh.
-nice obnoxtious throw there boof..
-4-5.........ick
-Boof you a need Bacardi and diet coke, 0 carbs 0 fat.
-Matty G, you going to be all super hero for us please?
-Matty G, you are my hero.

Bottom of the seventh
-every day eddddddie!
-literally....dang.

Top of the eighth
-seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeething.
-annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnger.
-6-5 rangers now. ICK.

Bottom of the eighth
-Justin Morneau, this is when you should get home runs and such. Such meaning rbis.
-saltys catching stance is kind of....preying mantis...and kind of...hot.
-LTS GO DLMN YNG.
-Dammit, Bahh bahhh

Top of the ninth
-
more cat pictures

Bottom of the ninth
-you know your team has no bench people when you let redmond hit for everett.
-this game is starting to make me nervous now. ughhhhh.
-lets go repub.
-OMG Mauer please don't hit into a double play, I might actually throw UP a unicorn.
-MAUER YES YES YES DOME MAGIC AHHHHHH
-6-6.....this game all a sudden made me happy again.

Top of the tenth
-extra innings broseph.
-wham bam thank you mizzzzaam

Bottom of the tenth
-wham bam oh noez :(

post game:
HAPPY SALAD!
That game was EPICCCCCCCCCCCCCCC

Dear Minnesota Twins,

2008-05-10T20:14:00.002-05:00

Small ball is nice and all.
But you don't produce home runs, tonights game will happen.
Only way the bo sox are scoring?
Solo home runs.

Ick,
Disgruntled Karlee

Red Sox silenced by the Lamb

2008-05-10T16:05:00.002-05:00

hahahaha.

Oh if I wasn't lazy I'd make a picture of lambs face with that silence of the lambs mask on.
With the bars.
And yeah.
Anthony Hopkins.

THERE WE GO.
Anyways.

Mike Lamb, we have this love hate relationship. I still don't know what I feel about you but last night, I wanted to marry you. That was pure magic. I missed the magic. <3

I missed being able to high-five and hug random people, and they feel the same exact way you do <3
Oh yeah and making kids who like the red sox cry is also a lovely past time of mine. I do my other past time during americas favorite past time.

Later on I will write a eulogy for pat nesheks ulnar collateral ligament.
You will be greatly missed, but you shouldn't of played so much wii and not eat meat mister!

Nick Punto, save us!

2008-05-08T16:37:00.001-05:00

Like I've said before.
We need Nick to play.

Here's proof:

Twins record with Nick Punto starting: 14-6

Twins record with Nick Punto not starting: 3-10

Yeah, chew on that bitches.

OMG MN TWINS

2008-05-07T23:50:00.003-05:00

13-1
I like how you boys bounce back.

This is how serious tonights game was, I used my blogs title to use for the blog title. Did that make sense? Sure.

Punto got 5 rbi's
2-5.
Wait...

PUNTO GOT 5 RBI'S
That looks better.
Here's my out-look on Nicolas Paul Punto:

He reminds me of the water boy.
Bobby Boucher.
He's a quiet, innocent nice little guy who is just all around a likable guy, but kind of a wuss.
But if you get him mad? He lets it out being amazing and doing good things sports-wise.

SO thank you nick for being a big suck not running on that bunt you thought that was foul, because then you spanked that ball to the left field then the right. Could Mike Lamb do that? DO NOT get me started on that.

Nicks new nick name= water boy

Carlos Gomez.
The #2 most awesomest person born on Dec 4th 1985.
You hit for the cycle, nobody has done that since Kirby.
I love your sassafrass. And how adorable you are. It's sickening.

Livan on a prayer.
You rock my world.

Karlee's feeling of the moment= Overwhelmed with awesomeness

I like sweeps, ya'll.

2008-05-06T15:30:00.004-05:00

So we shut down the ligers and bitch sox, I'm guessing you all saw that.
Good times, sorry I didn't update during that awesome-ness. Too busy soaking in the awesome.
We swept them SO hard we didn't think twice about using the regular sweep.

We brought out the big guns my friends.

We needed the street sweeper 8000 xtz 6.0 limited edition with now %50 more extra sweeping action.
It's sweet looking, I'd drive that around.

Went to twins unplugged, that was pretty fun.
Cuddyer thinks I'm a klepto, since I steal posters off of walls for them to sign.
And Crain told me..."pretty nice inkage you got there"
Yeah I'm kind of a big deal.
And Blackburn, I will say this again. YOU DO NOT LOOK LIKE JOE MAUER, you're actually attractive.
I'm glad you enjoyed my comment.
And ladies, Blackburn is engaged so put away your wedding dresses.

And for you Ozzie Guillen lovers, sorry....he's taken too.

I have a feeling he'll be kicked out of the game tonight.
Anyone want to take bets?

Magglio Whoredoniez

2008-05-02T19:09:00.015-05:00

Pre Game

-Welcome back Bert and RIP Gardy's brother, may you rest in peace <3.
-Joe Nathan takes golfing seriously, too seriously. I would assume his random twitches and jolts when he's pitching goes for the same when he's playing golf then randomly screaming "THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT!".....ya creep.
-Hi Cuddyer, I'll be seeing you sunday. And I'll be asking for a card trick. If you don't bring cards I'm going to, no backing out buddy.

Tpp of the first
-Livan, you picked the sleeveless look tonight. How fancy of you, did I mention I love those? I do.
It's so red neck...it's kind of like they are wearing muscle shirts. With shirts underneath because you wanted to wear your muscle tee super bad, but it was too cold out.
-WOAH LIVAN YOUR GLOVE IS SO RED.AND SO AMAZING. I cannot handle how amazing your glove is.
-Polanco still looks like a chipmunk.

-If Livan has a shut out tonight, we are wearing our hick muscle jerseys every time he pitches.

Bottom of the first
-galaragawagamaga goo goo chicka boom boom?
-Who walks Carlos Gomez? Oh, people who throw balls. Duh.
-Good job harris if you weren't so impatient gomez would of stolen second.
-Double play Mauer is up. *waits* (Gomez stole second. Because Mauer isn't impatient) grounder to the right side? *GASPS* NO WAY!
-Gomez scored on a wild pitch. SUHWEET, Morneau looked waaaay too excited.
-Morneausy two out single, I'm liking this whole Morneau hitting thing. I enjoy it.
-Known fact: It's hilarious to hear a grown man say "come on Cuddy Bear!"
-"ever been to never never land?" Bert...you never cease to amaze me.

Top of the second
-Magglio Whoredoniez tied the game. Your hair is disgusting, you and Nick Swisher should date.
-home run, double, and a single...three pitches. LIVAN NO.
-Bases loaded? Nobody out? Where am I?
-Ughhhh...Cuddyer I love your rocket launcher. Loves it.
-Jacque Joneeeeeesssss. SWEEET CHEEEEKS.
-AMAZING DOUBLE PLAY, hey Livan....hug your infield right now.

Bottom of the second
-ohhh, Kubeloution. Isn't this like your 5th strike out in a row? Yeah. No good.
-Lamb has thick full black hair. Bahhhh bahhh black sheep have you any wool?
-*ps* I miss you Marney.

Top o' duh third.
-Ooooh we're halfway there...OOOOH-oooh we're LIVAN on a praaayer.
-Gomez and your crazy over throws.
-Bert, say something funny. Whoredoniez is skurry.
-We got out of the inning safe again. Heart Palpitations=4

Bottom of the third
-They need to stop feeding Bert sweets. First it was his b-day cake. Then Mauers. Now he has cookies.
-Mr. I got a cortisone shot in both of my shoulders and I hit doubles wassap?
-First dumb Liger move: hitting Gomez.
-Second dumb Liger move:Not catching a ground ball to third. Bases loaded 0 ut.
-ahhhh...ball 4 bases loaded rbi. Thanks Mauer for not hitting cause ya know..double plays..ick. But Morneau took the double play for him.

Top of the third Minne-snow-ta Twins 3 Detroit Ligers 1
-Andy Van DYKE!
-Slow Lollipop curve? Really Dick? Stop free basing black tar heroine?

Bottom of the third
-OOOOOOH Kubeloution is back. With a triple too.
-Kubel tagged out at home. Good job. You aren't back.

Top of the fourth
-Bert cooked his head, I guess.
-61mph curve ball. Awesomeness, Livan has it.
-Hahaha, Bert so wants Dick to swear.

Bottom of the fourth
-Rain, Snow, Locusts?.....Dick you actually made a funny. *claps*
-Gomez getting on base 3rd time tonight. You are great.
-"A bert blyleven curve ball"- Bert Blyleven.....wow your name dropping yourself? Who does that?
-Oh my gosh, Gomez is hurt :( Poor thing don't scare the shit out of me. Oh good he got up and now hes being driven off the field. Go Go Gomez be okay!
-Nicky is playing for him. *squeaks*
-"I just wanted to ask you a question with a mouth full of cookies"

Top of the fifth
-Nick Punto, center fielder. Let's see some magic.
-1-2-3 innings make karlee smile.

(bottom of the fifth was non existant so was top of the 6th)

Bottom of the sixth
-Bahh bahh black sheep got a single.
-"do you have a car? YOU have a car right?"- Bert Blyleven

Top of the seventh
-blah.

Bottom of the seventh
-the cutest republican in the world got a home run.
-5th double of the year, good freaking job. And Mauer scores from first? WHAT? Yeah. Wow.
-Cuddyer with a double? Morneau scores? I'm liking this.
-5 straight hits= niceeeeeeeeee
-young gets an rbi single. cuddyer scores. 8-1.
-sweet baby jesus i love baseball.

Top of the eighth
-suckage. yay.

Bottom of the eighth
-We just kick ass, two more runs. The guys who are supposed to be hitting are hitting...finally.
-OH wait three. Good hustle Cuddyer.
-OMG, I can't handle all this awesomeness.

Top of the ninth
LE TIGRES 1 ROCKET BATS 11
-"awwww did that hit anthony? I sure hope so"-bert blyleven speaking about a foul hitting towards La Panta. And his sudden hatred for him.
-Juan Rincon actually sits bitches down and wins the game

Post Game
-I'm swimming in a huge pool of happy soup. It's warm and it makes me feel happy. Roy Smalley looks like that one thing in lord of the rings..that says my precious. Sorry I don't know his name because I'm not a damn nerd like you!
-Mike Lamb, you are very adorable with clean waxed brows. I'm glad you took my advice.

SWEET NIBBLETS

2008-04-26T02:02:00.003-05:00

Okay kids.
Guess who might be starting for the Rangers tomorrow?

Sidney Ponson.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
I'm TiVo'ing that shit you best believe.

TOO. excited.

NEW BOOTY OF THE DAY!

Oh yeah.
Last nights game.
Rincon pitching the 10th, really Gardy?
Last time I checked it would of been a grand time to put in Nathan.
But it sure as hell shows how much you trust your hitters.

This is what I do.

2008-04-25T04:04:00.002-05:00

When the Twins decide to do horrible the past two days:

I watch my *NSYNC live from Madison Square Garden dvd and dance like I was 15 again.
Then my rush of hate of Justin Timberlake comes rushing in the front burner, completely forgetting how horrible Fransisco-you-make-karlee-say-lots-of-f-bombs-Liriano was.

When it comes down to it, I think Joey is the hottest now, since I'm a full grown woman.
Of course when I was young and didn't know my left hand from right I loved Lanth (the gay)

I compare it like how the young girl baseball fans love them some Joe Mauer.
But the real women enjoy us some Micheal Cuddyer, I wonder what else he can hide other than his cards.

(and just there I wasn't insinuating anything about Cuddy Buddies cash and prizes nor the fact that Joe Mauer is gay, Lance Bass is.)

The lyrics of *NSYNC sure shows how I feel about the twins right now.

"It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you
But when we are apart, I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
with or without you "

When your at home, you get horribly beat.
And when you aren't at home....you still lose horribly.
And my friends, that tears up my heart.
I love expressing myself and my feelings through the magical wonders of music..

Thanks *NSYNC.

the oakland elephants balancing on a baseball.

2008-04-23T00:44:00.002-05:00

Your winning streak has just been DENIED.
Livan, having a good outing.
Nick Punto, I swear by the end of the year your going to pull a Delmon on an Ump.
Is it just me or has he been super duper whiny? And it's funny because every game he's been playing he's gotten a hit, so why the child-like tantrums? Because secretly you know I like seeing them?

Oakland A's fans:
YOU ARE LOUD.
Do you all have voice immodulation? Van Horton's Syndrome?
AND A LITTLE BIT SOFTER NOW.
(if none of you know that skit off of SNL, thats just a shammmme)
And the whole, horns and the drums. No.
But the best thing ever was the last thing I heard was a guy screaming "NOOOOOOO!" like he just saw someone fall off a cliff right after Twitch and Pitch struck out the last guy.

Craig Monroe, thanks for being good against the guy everyone knows your good against. So can you keep this up against people we wish you'd be good against? Maybe? No?

Boof is up next, I hope he can handle the crazies.

rocket bats

2008-04-20T14:39:00.002-05:00

They are silent against the almighty Scott Baker.
Punto had a hissy fit and threw his helmet. When I saw that I felt like daddy hit mommy at the dinner table, awwwwwkwaaaarrrrddd. Is it just me or has he become very irritable?

-Punto was 2-3. Cute.
-Rocket Bats Muffin Man Mr.Scotty Bakes had an amaaaazing outing.
-Carlos Gomez,your making us dec 4th 1985 peoples look amazing, keep at it.
-There is a bald eagle nest by the 5-8 club, call the press.
-Brendan Harris got his first home run, and first home run by a right handed hitter.
-Justin Morneau hit at the right time, thank you kindly sir.

Todays game was grand.
Seeing them jump on Justin made me smile all big.
Got the warm fuzzzzzzys.
life is good, for now.

Thoughts, by Karlee

2008-04-17T02:12:00.002-05:00

On tonights game:
+Joe Mauer showed me he can still be productive, and is oddly a bit faster than last year. Justin Morneau still runs as fast as my cat Alice. My cat Alice is dead.

+Jason Bartlett's new number is 8. Really now Bartlett. Changing your number doesn't make you more of a better defensive player (ie:Punto) since ya know you already have 3 errors. One in tonight's game which scored two runs, ahhhh it's nice to see it from the other side finally. Remember last year? You had the most errors by a short stop in all of the MLB? I remember.

+my friend thought there was 2,000 people at the dome rather than 20,000. I asked her if her vision and "guesstimation" was a bit off since we sat on the first base line and she was oogling Justin Morneaus ass half the game.

+There we're these two drunk obnoxious men at the game sitting two rows in front of me (surprise)
Well needless to say they were screaming at Pena, thinking he was looking over at them.Because I bet Pena cared about what two d-bags thought about him to the point he kept on giving them the stink eye. So they decided to stay standing during the 8th inning. It's tied. KIND OF IMPORTANT. I don't enjoy it when people are standing in my view of Morneaus ass okay? Oh yeah, and the game too. *flips hair*
So This guy in front of me was laughing hearing me bitch and moan, I can tell everyone around us wanted to kill said "red shirt" and "orange shirt" so I yelled out "HEY RED SHIRT AND ORANGE SHIRT, yeah HI! Uhm, SIT DOWN? I'd loooove to watch the game" and they were drunk, laughing mumbling incoherently towards me then winking and being gross men. Everyone smiled at me since I was the savior, I should get a medal for standing up to two drunk guys in their mid 20's.

+Punto does his on deck warm ups very awkwardly arousing. I don't know if you've ever sat on the first base side. I sure as hell haven't. He crouches down like a catcher, puts his bat in front of him holding onto it then like moves his hips up towards it? Like he's working it like a stripper pole. I spit out my sunflower seeds on a innocent un-knowing small child. My bad.

+I feel gross saying I was yelling for either Reyes or Rincon to come in and pitch rather than Guerrier or Neshek. Has hell frozen over? No. Nick Punto was hitless, hell is still in it's dazzling hot state. But I sure as hell still feel awkward.

+Livan loves giving up home runs. So does Baker. And Neshek...uhhhh...

After the game thoughts:

+Carlos Gomez is going to have more stolen bases than hits. I swear. It can happen. Shut up.

+Cuddyer is supposed to be playing on Sunday, I'm soooo going to miss Span. Oh yeah also I need to stop being so sarcastic all the time.

+Seeing Bert Blyleven and Ron Coomer frolic around on the field makes me smile. And Anthony La Panta standing there with his shoes that look like they are gold because they are so shiny.

+My California math say's YOU know way too much Bert Blyleven, I'm speaking from the major league level because I'm a youngster. Fuck let's start this over I fucked up, what? It's live. Oh I didn't know, Booooooooooof, so you got Dick on your shirt? (thats my Bert Blyleven quote mash up)

+The free Kubel movement is in full effect. 2-4, run, rbi motha....shut cho mouth.

Update: I still don't like Everett.

An open letter to Pat Neshek

2008-04-15T14:42:00.002-05:00

Pat Neshek.

Less of this:

And a lot more of this:

PS:Yes. Yes you can Pat. You need your meats.

pps:dont you love his new hair?

most depressing game ever

2008-04-14T21:41:00.003-05:00

We were ahead by 5 twice.
I FUCKING HATE ADAM EVERETT.
Pat Neshek, EAT MEAT RIGHT NOW! NOW! On Wednesday I'm bringing you a 30 oz porterhouse and your EATING IT ALL!

Nick Punto, you crushed that ball. You still make me smile, truly.

The Wild better win, I can't sleep knowing the wild lost, and Pat Neshek can't pitch anymore.

Tomko.TomKat.TimmyTam.kokomo.

2008-04-12T19:07:00.002-05:00

In Soviet Russia, Ball hits you.
Morneau layed a nice one right on your right shin.
But you got the slow lumberjack out, he runs as fast as I think.
And thats sloooowly.

The Kubeloution is moving along at a steady pace knocking another out of the park.
Oof Onser is being quite the good pitcher, getting out of sticky situations. Skills, he has dem.
OH, by the way. It's bottom of the 4th.
Oh, one more thing. Punto hit a single straight up the middle.
And very sexily might I add.
When I saw him running towards first I could hear "dream weaver" play in the distance.
Oof really should wear a tighter uniform, he looks so frumpy now. Like, he's wearing his dads uniform. And "his dads uniform" meaning Boofeteria era.

Top of the fifth

-Yay, Harris I like you kind of. You hit balls.
-Punto wanna go 2-2 and make me happy? Gotta love your .500 avg. And I gotta love your sexy patience Punto. I can't believe you just didn't swing. That just made my damn day, the end. I'll take walks a plenty from you.

Bottom of the fifth
-Gload single. That just sounds disgusting.
-4 strike outs so far for Oooooooooof.
-Oh Oof, two people on base two out. This is when you strike someone out and make me happy.
-I can deal with a high pop up though;)

Top of the Sixth
-Let's go Hummingbird let's go!
-Oh, I think we are trying to hit the pitcher.
-Joe, you so know girls love it when you grab your crotch like you have to pee. Do you really need to do that every time you stand up or spread your legs. Maybe the nut cup is too big ;)
-Morneau like hitting people with his balls. Uhm. Yeaaaap.

Bottom of the sixth
-The acee of spaaaades. Five dollar fooot looooooooong. Wow, I'm already sick of commercials it's only been two weeks. Uh oh.
-Those teenage girls screaming in the background, not cool. It's okay to be jealous of our hot line up.

Top of the seventh
-You say you want a Kubeloution well you know, we all want him to DH *whistles the beatle song* infield base hit.
-Hit and run loves the Harris.
-Span up the middle, Kubel scoring. 2-0 Twinkiez.
-OH bunt single by Nick Punto. <3 I MISSED YOU.
-Gomez-0 Pressure situations-1
-well if you get hurt and miss work, it wont hurt to miss work. and they give you cash which is just as good as money.Oh Yogi. So old. So senile.
-Oh goodness, Joe-rally-killer-Mauer is up to base, what ya gunna do? Ground out to second? Hmm?
-Got him looking, ouch Mauer, ouch. Bases loaded. Ouch. Mauer.

Bottom of the seventh
-So, Guerrier is pitching. And I'm going to be re heating my food

Okay it's like...bottom of the 8th now.
-Neshek is a scary pitching man. Watch it. I love it when Bert "cackles" because of Neshek.
-Yep, you all were spooked.

Top o da ninth to ya!
-Marney, I do need my windshield fixed and your soothing voice makes me want to go to luther to get it done.
-Nick Punto 2-2 with a walk and his avg is .600....nice. And he broke his bat. Good at plate. Minus the whole strike out, its okay.

Bottom of the Ninth
STAND UP AND SHOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT.
Excuse me whats Joe Nathans ERA? 0.00? Okay just checking.
Oh well, I guess someone can hit Joe Nathans awesome pitches. Usually in like the baseball video games when you throw hard you see flames and it makes that cool WOOOOSH noise, when Nathan throws it's a glittery rainbow with doves flying towards the sunset.
-Oh back to back shut out games? YEAH.

Pre game
-Player of the game? Who to pick? The amazing pitching outing of (B)oof (B)onser? Jason Kubels 2 rbi night and home run? Or Nicks 2-3 night with a walk and amazing start of a double play to end the game?

OH OH.
I'm picking Nick, of course. Since ya know, he deserves it. Kubel already has a more kubel pic.

Join the movement my friends

2008-04-11T15:00:00.002-05:00

Jason Kubel, if I was super musically inclined I'd so write you an awesome theme song.
But alas, I haven't written any music for quite some time, so next time your up to bat I'll just hum a random friendly ditty, deal?

And I think your walk on song should be "welcome to the jungle"

I'm going to be sad I won't see you boys play tonight, since the wild are supposed to win the game tonight, oh and they will my friend. THEY WILL.

Awesome pic of the day:

Skillz, he has dem.

Bitch Sox

2008-04-07T15:18:00.013-05:00

Top of the first

-gomez is fast. very fast. he scores thanks to baby jesus.

Bottom of the first
-I HATE NICK SWISHER, ick you make me want to hit things. You are such a pompous ass, really.
-uh, Nick Blackburn. What the hell is this? Keep those balls down. DOWN. Runners at the corners nobody out, and thome is up now. Great. Grand. Awesome. Nice.
-base hit right field. Game tied. The bat flew in the audience and hit a old lady, hahahaha.
Oh wow Thome, good job. An old 70+ lady. BAM RIGHT IN THE KISSER. That so sounds like something Pierzynski would do.
-I'm calling that someone is going to get hit by a pitch, and AJ is going to punch someone. Senses, I has them.
-yeah, blackburn does what he should.

Top of the second
-Kubeloution single.
-Harris got that there Kubeloution to 2nd.
-Lamb rbi double? Yeah? Bahhhhhhh.

Bottom of the second
-What in the hell is on Swishers chin? No really. Someone please explain what that is. It's like...who bleaches their facial hair? Oh I forgot, douchebags do.

Top of the Third
-denards first major leauge hit, go boy go.
-Hey guys, its only 364 days until Berts birthday. Just to let you know.
-Either Joe Mauer side burns are getting smaller, or his head is getting bigger.
-The wind swirls in the stadium, so says Bert. Thats why Justins ball didn't go all the way.
-I hate it when Dick says anti twins statistics. yeah 12 ground ball double plays. Got it. Shut your trap.

Bottom of the Third
-Ozzie gets tossed out of the ball game? What? Well thats a shocker. Good idea Mauer, walk away. Mommy and Daddy are fighting.
-First piece of bazooka joe gum: "Joe where's my english paper I asked you to check" "relax I gave it to jake" "are you sure your dog is smart enough to check my paper?" and then the dog says.."the way you write, one of my fleas could do"
........wow, not funny.
-EW, PIERSUCKSKI. Go do something more your style like, Pretend you can wrestle.

Top of the fourth
- I miss Nick punto.

-Harris hit zee ball. Harris go to second.
-Mike Lamb looks cute from the side, and with a helmet on so you can't see his eyebrows of doom.
-Harris scores, Lamb has his second rbi double, aw snap.

-neverhitt..i mean everett...struck out.

Bottom of the fourth
- These are like crack. And so is Bazooka Joe gum. nom nom nom nom.
-Ew. bleach pube chin face douchebag got an rbi.
-I think Blackburn should hit Pierzkynski. Sorry, I was getting so used to watching hockey in the off season. And Blackburn has almost hit cabrera twice, and the fans are like AW SNAP OOOOH. I wonder what would happen if they hit nacho libre.
-Brian Bass= Sidney Ponson.
-Jim Thome hides underneath my bed at night.
-Nick Blackburn strikes out the boogeyman who dwells under my bed.

Top of the fifth
-Baltimore is 5-1? Wow, the beginning of the season makes horrible teams look good. Thats why in baseball, everyone wins.
-Why does Bert Blyleven know everything? He should go on Jeopardy.
-I'm still saying Morneau is going to get a home run, but I guess not right now.

Bottom of the fifth
-Bert is really starting to make those circles look so perfect and pretty. He's sober. Sad.
-If you were in a dark alley and Jermaine Dye walked up to you with a foot long 4.99 subway sandwich. What would you do?
-Pierzynski is up. And he's down. 1-2-3 inning.

Top of the sixth
-fly ball outs and strike outs piss me off, thats all I have.

Bottom of the sixth
-Matty G 1,2,3? Maybe?
-surprise! Strike out.
-OMG, I SPY PUNTO, aw.
-Oh my god, I really want to punch Swisher. He is so gross. I bet he's so gross he has mirrors on his ceiling, thats how gross he is.
-Bert and Dick are fighting again.
-Mike Lamb denies douchebag a run.

Top of the seventh
-BOONE LOGAN, your beard is scary. Okay, are the Bitch Sox attempting to see who can have the nastiest facial hair? Do they all envy Jesse Ventura?
-yeah, we need to start hitting.

Bottom of the seventh
-Bert doesn't want to get the flu. Bert hates the cold, and I think it's making him loopy.
-Matty G stop getting me all mad and such.
-Oh....lookie there lets put in Patty Neshekles Death Metal Vegan Wonder Boy Side Show Pat.
-I wish I had a herky jerky delivery.
-NESHEK, what? tie game now? Oh ouch, that hurt.
-*whispers* Neshek, hit Pierzynski....wait that would be a bad idea since its only one out and two people on base, jk.
-Striking him out is also a good thing.
-bases loaded, two out. Neshek why do you give me heart palpitations?
-BIG BALL OF HATE BIG BALL OF HATE. GRAND SLAM? NESHEK. NO.

Top of the eighth
-So, we scored a run. I'm kinda sad.

Bottom of the eighth
-that one guy I hate is up to bat, and that one pitcher I don't enjoy is pitching to him.
-Rincon strikes the douchebag out.

Top of the ninth
-white sox= horrid beard club.
-Matt Tolbert just broke the tv. Oh wait it's back.
-Go Go gadget Gomez.
-oh go go suck.

Karlee+Nick= too awesome for our own good

2008-04-04T01:09:00.002-05:00

Okay so I first posted that lovely picture of Nick Punto being all ninja like flying in mid air, and I wrote "Nick Punto, I choose you!"

Then Nick Nelson from Nick and Nick's Twins Blog
noticed that Brock from pokemon looked a lot like Nick Punto.

So we decided Nick Punto is now Brock.

Fin.

A big bag of suck

2008-04-03T15:30:00.006-05:00

Thats what todays game was.
4-6-3's make me want to rip out my hair.

Dear Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau, and Micheal Cuddyer,

Hi, it's me again. I think the last time I wrote you all was when you did good.
Which was feels like hmmm...I forgot. But anyways......
Last night Joe decides to hit into a lovely double play.
Then today, YOU decide to just give us a sloppy sac fly, good job?
(I dont care if you got two doubles and two rbi's. I look towards the negative side of things)
Micheal Cuddyer, stop learning card tricks and start learning how to hit under pressure.
And I saved the best for last. Justin, hey whats your avg? .000? WOW REALLY?
I like the beginning of the year, only time I can actually say Nick Punto is doing better than you. And he is my friend, he is. Since he's actually hit the ball and got on base. Now you know how Nick feels, you did an amazing play at first base, BUT you cannot produce any important hits.

Woe is Morneau.
Woe is you.

Good luck against the 3-0 KC ROYALS (wtf?),
-Karlee

Jason Kubel,
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey rubix kubes.
Nice ringy dingy you got there, first of the season. Congrats.
I don't want to hurt your feelings but I thought Morneau or Cuddyer would of gotten it before you.
But, alas you triumphed against the others. Oh Kubes, how do you do it.

I got a fever,
-Karlee

"nick punto is to web gems, is how like peanutbutter is to jelly"

2008-04-03T00:03:00.003-05:00

So says the awesome guy on ESPN.
Top 5 web gems, Morneau was 3 and Punto was number 1.

it makes me excited, so excited I want to flash my tatt!

And I looooooove Gomez's sass
"Everybody here knows we've got a good team," Gomez said. "In the middle of the season, we'll see what happens. If you're scared for now, don't worry about it. I know the team will be great. When we've got 50-60 games, we'll be up on everybody."

Nick Punto, I CHOOOOOSE YOUUUUUUUU.

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes ya don't.(live blog)

2008-04-02T18:40:00.011-05:00

Pre Game:
-Game three, Nick Blackburns first major league start. I'm half and half for him. He was amazing in the arizona fall league, his follow through is so smooth looking, just like his doughy joe mauer-esque face. He has chicken cartialidge in his right knee. His new nick name is chicken leg.
Do not fight me on that one. He is SO soft spoken, but he will make bitches sit down. He will.

-Cold lo mien is good, but cold chicken isn't. SO I guess I have to warm it up. Since it's chicken le mien

-Delmon Young and Vladimir Gurrero kind of have the same swing. Weird. But Young is adorable. And Vladdy is a scary scary voo-doo master who doesn't use batting gloves :(

-Anthony LaPanta has such a strong voice. I couldn't sound that cool if I tried.

TOP OF THE FIRST:
-Harris, you dissapoint me time after time. Yuck. But Blackburn you do not disappoint me. Your strike to ball ratio is already making me flustered.

BOTTOM OF THE FIRST:
-Stop it, this is reminding me of last night. ICK.
-go go gomez. Patience, use it.

TOP OF THE SECOND:
-I love that Nicky hustle. Esp when it's when he gets out Torii Hunter.
-Casey kotchman= Casey Crotch-man.
-Bert Blyleven "youngster" count:1
-Bert Blyleven "at the major leauge leve"l count:1
-Nick Blackburn hitting pitcher count:1
-cuddyer awkward catch count:1

BOTTOM OF THE SECOND:
-Telley Hughes looks very huggable.
-Morneau you should ya know, be good. Lay it in there, meat.
-17 ground ball outs last night. Don't remind me Dick, talk about something happy. Like, how good Delmon Young is.

TOP OF THE THIRD
-Berts circle machine isn't working. Or he's already drunk. Either or.

BOTTOM OF THE THIRD
-Bert Blyleven "youngster" count:2
-Nick Puntos song is still "whip it"
-I hear a drunk man cheering him on...line drive to the pitcher. S-kay.
-UGH TOLBERT. Getting picked off trying to steal. Those youngsters I tell ya. But you did get your first major leauge hit.

TOP OF THE FOURTH
-gomez does what gomez does, and catches another fly ball.
-Kansas C
ity is 2-0. Creepy.
-1-2-3 4th for Mr.Chicken Leg

BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH
-Bert Blyleven "youngster" count:3
-GO GO GOMEZ single.
-double play balls make me feel icky.
-short stops who make errors, that aren't OUR short stops=makes me feel not icky
-Morneau, one pitch. High chopper. Fail.

TOP OF THE FIFTH:
-Blackburn makes me very happy.
-MORNEAU= AMAZING FIRST BASEMEN. Knock that ball down. KNOCK IT. Then back hand that ball to Blackburn to get the out, show em who's boss.
-9 men retired in a row for blackburn.
-I like it when they play good.

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH:
-Redmonds walk on song is Led Zeppelins Kashmir. One more reason to love him dearly.
-123 inning. I have a feeling this will be a 20 inning game. Jokes.

TOP OF THE SIXTH:
-This is such a pitchers game. And thats fine, because that shows we still have a good pitching rotation.
-46 strikes 17 balls 6 strike outs.Blackburn you are greatness.
-Torii looks like he wants a home run, and I hear hecklerssss haha.
-Oh, he got his first hit! *gasps*
-six shut out innings for blackburn. nom nom

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH:
-Lead off single for PUNTO, who what? HUH? Punto? Yeah. Nick Punto.
-"one ringy dingy"- Bert Blyleven, speaking of the catcher just getting spanked in his cash and prizes.
-Now Bert is saying he should put coomer in a catchers uniform, throw balls between his shin gaurds and show kids to wear nut cups. Bert, I love you so much.
-STOLEN BASE, ERROR PUNTO TO THIRD. SEE, Punto brings the awesome!
-we dont score but, that was grand. Good job Small Fry. Hustle hustle hustle.
I dedicate this to you, Nick Punto.

TOP OF THE SEVENTH:
-DAMNIT REDMOND/BLACKBURN, wild pitch run scored ick.

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH:
-lead off hit by our cuddy buddy.
-ick morneau, your like turning into 07 Mauer. Double play rally killer Mc.Gee....

TOP OF THE EIGHTH:
-86 throws 63 strikes for Blackburn, Guerrier is pitching now, first time this season.
-wow, anderson is being intentionally walked to get to Torii Hunter. Fiesty.
-bases loaded.Appitizer sampler reyes is going to attempt to do some "damage", maybe they can put in Rincon and he can turn and throw to first but hit Torii again, no?
-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN Tolbert,you has the hustle.

BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH:
-Monroe takes a walk.
-SCREW DOUBLE PLAYS. WHY? STOP.
-we cannot lose this game just because of blackburns wild pitch.

TOP OF THE NINTH:
-Death Metal is up.
-NICK PUNTO, BEING NICK PUNTO. NINJA flying in the air, hustling his ass off bare handing a bunt to morneau to get the out. THIS IS the reason why I watch baseball. He excites the SHIT out of me. I know when hes playing, something amazing like that can happen. He makes me fan myself like a very excited gay man. It's insane.

BOTTOM OF THE NINTH:
-4th straight lead off man aboard, Tolbert.
-Gomez, dont pull a double play ball I'll cry.
-Gomez looks mad. 5 bunt attempts all fouls.
-Joe Mauer pinch hitting. I'm calling a rally killer Joe Mauer double play.
-OH, look at that.

After game thoughts:
It's sad that our "big hitters" have done nothing so far.
We lost because of a wild pitch. This game would of gone to the 20th inning, I was right.
But people make mistakes. BIG mistakes.
Make sure to watch the final score, I'm guessing Nick Puntos awesomeness will be on it.

Uh, atleast Torii sucked?

2008-04-02T18:16:00.003-05:00

SO.
Only good things about last night:
Torii tried to make a scoop grab in center and failed. It made my heart warm.
Rincon hit Hunter. I laughed. I bet Torii never liked that little devil.
By the end of the game there were people heckling Torii, and this girl was like "come on torii!" and this guy said "NO..get over IT."

Ahhhh, bitterness.

Oh and I met two rad guys, and I saw a drunk ass get kicked out of the game.

Punto is playing in the game tonight.
So no matter what for me, tonight will be a fun game.
3rd base though, hmmmm. Okay gardy.

note:Torii Hunter is hitless in the series so far.

love lifts us up where we belonggggg

2008-04-01T14:26:00.003-05:00

Gotta love when the Twins win the season opener.
And Joe Nathan making Torii Hunter sit down.
And seeing people lose balls in the teflon baggy of DOOM.
And Vladdy getting knocked on his ass, actually freaking out about being hit by Nesheks crazy slider. I guess it's only human to cower in fear against Neshek.

That game was too fun, it makes me very excited for the baseball season.
And this is totally off subject but in the twins commercial with cuddyer morneau and mauer.
When Morneau says "lay something in there meat"
MEAT=NICK NAME OF THE GUY IN BULL DURHAM.
That took me long enough to figure out.
And if you didn't know, NOW you know. And you can keep on thinking I'm "kinda" smart.

Carlos Gomez is the cutest thing since furbees.
For some reason he reminds me of Elmo. Just so..giggly and cute and you want to tickle him.
"This is the perfect [day]," Gomez said. "I score two runs today and we win."
Just how much more adorable can you get? Probably not much more than that.
And he's amazing because amazing cute adorable people are born dec 4th 1985.
(random fact: I was born dec 4th 1985, I suspect awesome presents this year, because me and carlos are like brother and sister now.)

Tonights game.
(B) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF.

Oh, one more thing. Whenever Mike Lamb gets a hit you have to "bahhhh"
That will also catch on.
"bahhhh" and "ooooftah!"

Snow snow go away....

2008-03-31T12:06:00.000-05:00

come again some other day!

....well that isn't going to happen.
DO WE REALLY WANT AN OUTSIDE STADIUM.
REALLY?

I'm off to the dome, everyone drive safe!
<3

my aim away message:
Best time of the year (better if it wasn't snowing out)
Let's play ball!
<3.
Go Twins!
I might punch people in the mouth if they boo Torii, serious.
Nick Punto better pinch run for someone in the 8th.
I'm serious about that too.

BASEBALL BASEBALL BASEBALL

2008-03-31T00:33:00.002-05:00

I'm too excited, truly.
SO....all I could come up with is this picture.
Because it pretty much just shows you HOW excited I am.

I guess in gardy's mind.....

2008-03-28T14:30:00.002-05:00

If you are only down by one run, you put your son in to pinch run, who eventually gets picked off.
Oh yeah, he pinch "stood" for Lamb who was 3-3 today with the only run scored.

Then if you thought things wouldn't get even more awkward, he puts Punto out in center, AGAIN.

Liriano had a nice day today, going 5 innings only allowing 3 hits one run (hr) and 7 k's.
Let's hope this is a sign he'll go north with the boys of summer back to MN.

But let me get this off my chest.....why is mini gardy still in spring training?

Mr.Haas from Alright Hamilton! brought up to me "well, he is his son"
Yes he is.
But then I brought up this: "I don't care it's like putting my cat in to play guitar hero for me because she's my cat, but heres the thing. SHE'S A CAT! SHE CANNOT PLAY GUITAR. SHE DOES NOT HAVE FLANGES"

I think I made a good point.
Sure.

ahhhh, procrastination!

2008-03-19T18:59:00.002-05:00

here it is:
Baby Jesus= doing good
Gardy letting Nick Punto play DH = I knew he had a good reason, right? But none the less. Hilariously cute.
Gardy letting his son play= He will never have a good reason for that, and it WASNT HILARIOUS. NOR CUTE. I might as well let Stephen Hawking be my fantasy draft pick for center fielder.

This isn't baseball related, but it's worth watching it:

a--bwa, bwa ahh...

More stuff happened but Karlee has been a busy bee this week.
SORRY Ya'll.

OMG, what kind of cheese does Joe Mauer like!?

2008-03-13T00:20:00.002-05:00

One more reason to absolutely love and adore the twins, even more than ever:

Pat Neshek's new commercial

Nick Punto.
You disappoint.
Greatly.
I TOLD YOU to be better like, right away. Like, next time up if you suck more, we are so over. *flips hair*
/stupidity

Liriano, bad news bears man.
Baby Jesus, you got your first home run!
Delmon Young, keep being Delmon Young. Thank you.
Carlos Gomez, everyone born on dec 4th, 1985 is cocky aren't they? And cute.
(side note: I was born Dec 4th 1985, I'm a youngster Bert!)

Now here's a trend I can get used to.

2008-03-07T15:29:00.004-06:00

We beat the bo sox.
Then the Reds.
Then the Yankees.
Then the Orioles.
(and we probably would of won against the devil rays since we were ahead and if we did one more inning THEN it rained, we would of won. Damn rain)
And today?
We had split teams and *gasp* We won against the Jays and the Bo Sox.

Is this the MN Twins I'm watching?
Am I obnoxiously happy for opening day? Yes?

Morneau finally went deep against the bo sox and his lil ol buddy Monroe did a home run RIGHT after him, I wish it was on ESPN because those stupid announcers would of gotten hard core tongue tied. Because the Yankees game it seemed quite hard for them to decipher between morneau,mauer, and morales.
Mike lamb went 2-3 with a run scored, he's funny,awkward and can also hit!

Twins 4 Jays 0
Bo Sox 2 Twins7

Oh and one more thing:
Twins 5-3; Red Sox 3-6.
That's the grapefruit league standings.
Oh and an fyi, thats against the 2007 world series champions, just to let you know. I don't know if you know. So if you didn't there...I threw it out there with a vengeance.
Tomorrow The Twins will play the Pirates in Bradenton,Florida at 1:05, with Scott Baker starting.

My feelings for the past week: YAHTZEE!

Jeter, stop looking in the camera when you talk

2008-03-05T12:06:00.003-06:00

It's like your speaking to ME and it creeps me out.

PRE GAME:
It's been quite some time since I've written when the game is going on, I'm actually quite excited. I am soooo going to be rusty, and probably not that hillarious so bare with me.
But this whole "lets talk to Jeter for 15 minutes" is not making me a happy girl.
gomez harris mauer morneau young buscher knott jones tolbert....thats a very awkward looking line up.

TOP OF THE FIRST:
-Hi Carlos Gomez, you have the same birthday as me AND born the same year. So you kinda have to be good if your born on that day. Sorry. Bunt. Out. Your fast but not FAST enough. strike one,Carlos.
-Hmmmm Brendan Harris...yeah they are going to lose defensively if he's 2nd base. Someone realizes this. And its a guy on espn. I feel as if I'm working for the man. OH, he got a single.
-Mauerrrrrr, wow he does NOT stop growing.Mauer HIT INTO A DOUBLE PLAY? NO WAY. THAT NEVER HAPPENS. Oh, wait. Thats sarcasm. He ALWAYS does. He hits into double plays as much as Punto tries to lay down a simple bunt.

BOTTOM OF THE FIRST:
-Slowey, oh Slowey. Sweet Slowey. Make Karlee happy.
-one out
-Oh you aren't happy with your bat Jeter? Wow, your such a diva.
-Wow, guess the bat worked, spanked it to middle center.
-if nick punto would of been at 2nd he could of hit the double play? REALLY espn guy? I LIKE YOU.
-Slowey good boy, making A-rod swing and miss <3 Please strike him out. 2-2. Or walk him. It was a tough at bat, so ya know. That's okay?
-Giambi got caught looking, thats what I like.

TOP OF THE SECOND
-Morneau.I miss your boom stick. I don't miss pop flys. And the espn guy just called him Mauer. LOL, cute.
-Delmon Young, sup guy? YEAH HOME RUN, TORII WHO? WHAT? WHAT?
-Busch Light, back to back homers? No? Maybe? Wow Giambi, you can jump? CRAZY.
-two out
-Knott out

BOTTOM OF THE SECOND
-Posada looks like a mouse.
-YOUNG don't scare me like that! But you caught it. But don't do that again.
-GOMEZ, oh gomez.
-one out some yank on second.
-it's tied now, GOMEZ YOU MESSED up TWICE, but I guess if Slowey were throwing strikes we wouldnt be worried about guys hitting into center.
-There ya go, second strike out.
-NICK would of caught that Harris. See people, we NEED Punto. Yeah he can't hit but we'd still be tied. Not behind by one. Yeah I'm going there, it's pre season I don't care. I love starting fights.
-Get Jeter out, NOW Slowey stop with these shenanigans, OR walk him.
-Rick anderson knock some sense into Slowey, see if Punto was playing he'd walk out, say something along the lines of "I rode paul Molitors daughters training bike, think of that" then skip off eating swedish fish.
-Gomez, throw to the cut off guy or even the catcher, not the backstop. Gomez thats strike three for you, YOU are fired!
-I like it when A-rod swings and misses, makes me a happy girl. SWUNG AND MISS,nice strike three sit down bitch.

TOP OF THE THIRD
-Uh. Don't show Santana in a twins uniform again, thanks. I'm aware he's gone.
-"hey guys this is turning into a roast" awww gardy, your so witty.
-Gomez, maybe hit the ball, and make up for your mistakes. Or get out again. Thats fine.
-wow, we're out already?

BOTTOM OF THE THIRD
-I'm feeling very rusty today. I'm not as witty as Gardy. Most of the time I'm not because he's just a hoot.
-Julio De Paula is pitching now. I don't know how that makes me feel.
-BALK? RLY? Mauer get out there and say something smart.
-One down,....you know the rest.
-Gomez did another crazy throw, but we got another out. two out.
-strike out,looking.

TOP OF THE FOUTH (1-4)
-JOBA the hut is pitching.
-Harris, lets see what you can do. Other than not catch balls that Nick Punto could have caught.
-dribbler to 2nd. 1 Out.
-Mauer. chopper to first. 2nd out.
-Morneau. Walked.
-Delmon, want to hit another home run?
-Sighs, 3rd out.

BOTTOM OF THE FOUTH (1-4)
-randy keasler eh? *sits and watches*
-One out, nice Keasy. I bet gardy calls you that.
-haha, Damon at the plate and Mauer catching? I'm having pepsi commerical flash backs.
-ground ball to 2nd, two down.
-HARRIS. Okay he should not be 2nd basemen. Please if you want to tell me that I'm crazy to think Nick Punto would be better, go on and tell me.
-Gomez actually caught the ball, 3 out.

TOP OF THE FIFTH(1-4)
-C'mon BUSCH LIGHT lets fire it up! Oh you fired it up alright with that fancy single.
-Knott you better not strike out, ha. Get it. Yeah.
-WOW, he loves fouling off balls a lot.Awww Knott got caught looking, sad.
-Giambi looks like jabba the hut. Scary.
-Garret Jones two run HOME RUN! You hit that HARD. he hit that thing out of the park.
-Tolbert got hit on the ankle :( Poor thing that hit him straight in the kisser, if your kisser was your ankle.

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH (3-4)
-Gomez caught another ball, *golf clap* good boy. One out.
-Casilla, you are quite good at short stop. Dang, you surprised me there. You should be at short stop not second. Two out.
-Keasler your good, you keep the ball down. I enjoy it.

TOP OF THE SIXTH (3-4)
-c'mon Mauer Pauer. Hit to the left center field for a two bagger. THANK YOU.
-Morneau, how about you show people how well you can hit, stop teasing us.
-Morales came in as a pinch runner, then failed, so did morneau. two out.
-Delmon young with a single. He makes me very happy.
-Oh, stranded a guy on base? Wow, shocking.

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH (3-4)
-Awww,Hi Justin Morneau. Let's have a chat.
-Justin addmits he didnt do good today, how down to earth and canadian of you, Morney.
-Im going to say it one more time. If Punto was out there. we'd have two double plays by now. But wow, look. We have 0.
-WOAH, thats reyes? He doesn't look like a floater anymore. Yikes, I'm harsh.
-Oh yeah, Casilla thanks for making a double play.

TOP OF THE SEVENTH (4-4)
-the ball game is tied, sorry it's hard to type when I'm a giggly baseball-y mess.
-you got the hang of this, one two three. next inning.

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH (4-4)
-DEATH METAL IS PITCHING. I missed his crazyness, nice simple one two three inning.Tasty.

TOP OF THE EIGHTH (4-4)
-morales takes a walk.
-okay is it "lets hit twins ball players" day?
-bases loaded, one out. ahhh, very excite!
-fair ball down the line two rbi double!
-All these new guys are making the game today, and the regulars haven't done anything. It's kind of weird...and I feel like I'm cheating on the regulars with the new guys.
-7-4 now. This makes me feel good about our team. I was so worried about all the new guys and how everyone says we are rebuilding. I think we already re built.

BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH (7-4)
-I officially dont know who anyone is on the field. Haha. Well I do but you get what I mean.
-Nice one two three inning. yahtzee.

TOP OF THE NINTH (7-4)
-Sorry, I had to go to the bathroom. Bet you wanted to know that.
-Morales on first, two out and someone I have no clue hitting. I'm such a good blogger. Really.
-Ahhh,the guy i have no clue hitting struck out.

BOTTOM OF THE NINTH (7-4)
-Sosa is pitching. Not Sammy silly goose.
-Gomez snatching a fly ball, one out.
-Girls who like the yankees shouldnt drink in the afternoon. Because Karlee doesn't like hearing you drunkenly slur/yell "LETHH GO YANKEEZ" your going to lose, have that bitter taste in your mouth, thats the taste of LOSS.
-I spoke too soon, yankee home run. Now drunken guys and girls are chanting lets go yankees.
-Base hit? Tying run to the plate? HEY GARDY, new pitcher! Skipper Karlee, that has a nice ring to it.
-3-2 two out...*drum roll* STRIKE three called!

That means we won ya'll!

Verdict: New guys +1
Regulars -1
that means it all equals to 0.
We're even. just like our wins a loses. 3-3.

Side notes: Harris I don't know about you. Your like Punto but a bit better hitting, but way worse with defense. Id rather have defence we already have guys who produce big hits.
(IE: morneau, mauer,cuddyer,young..well they SHOULD atleast)

All in all seeing all these "youngsters" against the big bad yankees. And us kicking some booty during the end there really gives me hope.

PS: ESPN needs to stop humping the yankees. They did not pay attention to the game. They called morneau mauer and called morales mauer. Thats a tounge twister right there. Jeez.

Martin Skoula

2008-03-04T19:23:00.001-06:00

Your the Nick Punto of the MN Wild.
But, you suck as defense.
You won the last game for us so I GUESS I won't yell mean things at you at the next game I go.

I came home and took this picture of my cat.
Right after I was done eating my nummy wild sundae I automatically thought.. "CAT.HAT.IN.A.HAT.SALLY.WILD HAT"
I don't believe in proper structured sentences.
Side note: the black hawks and wild game is 1-1 and its the first only 2 minutes into the game.

Oh whoops, this is a twins blog isnt it?
Whoops.

A little bit of R&B. (Twins 8 Reds 6)

2008-03-03T16:04:00.002-06:00

Ahhhhh...it's sunny outside. Perfect. Loud crack of boom sticks.
March 31st can't come soon enough.

The R&B boys showed us a thing or two about how it feels to tie in the 9th then win by a home run in the 10th.

I miss that feeling.

Bottom of the 9th. Nobody out Ruiz smacks a big one over the wall, with one on base tying the game.
Bottom of the 10th, 1 on 2 out. Basak pulls out his boom stick and huzzah, the winning home run.

This is why I love baseball. And the twins. Remember how amazing their comebacks were?
Sighs.

I'm also excited for Liriano, the franchise is throwing pretty well.
This season will be fantastical.

this is MY HOUSE.

2008-03-02T13:31:00.005-06:00

As we speak the twins are ahead by 5 with the score 5-2.
NEWS FLASH: CUDDYER STOLE 3rd BASE AFTER GETTING A DOUBLE.
I'm so used to him getting picked off of first base!...not not getting doubles..or stealing 3rd!?
Okay, I'm fine with that.

Morneau was taken out after going 3-0. Ouch.

Punto got a single then stole 2nd.

Jon Knott got a home run against Buchholz

More to come if any other shenanigans happen.

UPDATE: we won 8-2.
First win, and a very good one at that.
A lot of stolen bases, I love games with lots of stolen bases.
These group of guys are looking better each day for me.